Manana Banana

Moving Day

2005-03-23T19:23:00.000-08:00

Manana Banana now has a new home here. I won't be posting on this blog anymore, so come check out my new place when ya have a chance.

On the Move

2005-03-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

I'm definitely moving to a new place, and things are now in the works. It's going to take a little time, though, because I'm baffled. I'm using WordPress for my new blog, and it's definitely another step (or two or three) up from Blogger. Now I can fool around with a Blogger template as well as the next guy, but I feel like a kindergartner over at my new place. Thankfully my husband's helping me out or I think I would just give up.

Dixie's doing well. She apparently hasn't read the "Patient Home Care Instruction" sheet I got from the vet, though. She keeps breaking the rules. She's still a little radioactive, so we're supposed to limit our contact with her for the next week or so. Only, she keeps doing things like jumping up in my lap and refusing to move. She's such a sweetheart. I know she missed us tons, and it breaks my heart not be able to snuggle her for hours on end. I let her cheat a little bit, though. How can I possibly say no to that sweet kitty?

My body is pissing me off. I'm on CD26 and still no positive OPK. I think my period's on the way, but who really knows. I called my RE's office to speak to my IVF coordinator about the situation, but apparently she's on vacation through the 1st. Crap. So, I had to leave a message with a nurse who is supposedly going to talk to my RE and call me back. So far no call, though. It looks like I may have missed the chance to do the sonohystogram and endo biopsies this month, and I am beyond frustrated. I asked about doing a mock cycle with Estrace and PIO next cycle so I wouldn't have to deal with the stupid hunt for the LH surge thing again, but who knows if they'll go for that. I really don't want to have to waste another month. Have I said how much I hate waiting?

Hopefully I'll have the new blog up and running soon, but who knows. It's really not presentable right now, but I'm so over Blogger.

The Last Straw

2005-03-21T10:23:00.000-08:00

Blogger is pissing me off big time. I know it's pissing everyone else off, too. I wrote a long post and then Blogger just ate it. Poof. Just gone. So, I'm pretty sure I'll be setting up shop elsewhere in the coming days. I just can't take this anymore.

Anyway, what I was going to post about was the fact that my kitty's home! She's doing really well. She's in good spirits and has already gained 5 oz. More later if I ever get things figured out with regards to the impending move.

The Truth Behind the Picture

2005-03-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

First of all, thank you. Thank you so much for all of your kind comments, and thank you for understanding. I can't even begin to tell you what that means to me. Second of all, no one needs to apologize or feel badly. Seriously, if I had been on the other side of my post I'm sure I would have said the exact same thing as all of you. I know how absurd it sounds to say that a size 0 is too big. The last I checked Banana Republic did not make clothing in negative sizes. The "I hate you for being a size 0" comments did strike a nerve, but not because I thought they had any negative intentions behind them, only because I've got so much baggage in the body image department. So, no hard feelings whatsoever.

On a lighter note, there are a couple of things I failed to mention about that picture. The first is that I was sooooo hungover when that photograph was taken. Don't ask me how my balance was good enough that day to stay on pointe in that position for forever and a year while the photographer clicked away with the camera. I was so sick. My senior year of high school was definitely the peak of my partying days, and that was one of those "my parents are out of town so I'm going to stay out all night and get totally trashed" experiences. The words "drunk" and "high" do not even begin to describe it. Not pretty and not something I recommend. Thankfully, I calmed down a lot once I got to college. Anyway, the fact that I don't have an actual green aura about me in that picture is pretty miraculous.

The second thing is that I'm wearing a fake bun. Oh, yes, such a thing does exist. I'm not sure if you can get something like that premade, but just get some fake hair in a corresponding color to your own. (medium blonde for me- it looks darker in the picture than it really is.) Then braid it, make a bun out of it, and secure. Voila, fake bun. Like a lot of dancers I had long hair, but during my rebellious senior year I decided to chop it all off. I cut off a ton of hair and donated it to Locks of Love. For classes it wasn't a big deal, because I just pulled it back into a teeny tiny pony tail. For things like photos and performances, however, that wasn't going to cut it, hence the fake bun. I just pulled my hair back and bobby pinned that sucker on. It worked really well. Since then I've gone through several rounds of growing out my hair and chopping it all off again. Right now it's long again. Who knows how long that will last.

I'm in a better mood today mostly because I think my kitty will be able to come home tomorrow. Her radiation level was at 700 yesterday and measured between 550 and 600 today. It has to drop to 500 before she can be released, so it's looking like tomorrow may very well be the day. It better be. Six days is long enough. I'm sure I'll feel even better when she's actually home.

Full Disclosure

2005-03-19T16:03:00.000-08:00

You wanna know the truth about the size 0 dress? It was a little too big, but you want to know where? The upper body. That's right, if I just had boobs that dress would have fit. It's no fun to never be able to fill out the top of a dress like that. Plus, it was actually a miracle that the rest of the dress fit so well. My waist to ass ratio is definitely heavy on the ass side of the equation.

The thing is that it doesn't matter what size the label on a piece of clothing says, it's all about how you view yourself. Quite honestly, I have a shitty self body image. I mean really shitty. It's not surprising. I wore a leotard and tights more days than I can count. That's what happens when you start studying ballet at the age of 3 and don't stop dancing until you're out of college. Can you imagine spending 6 days a week staring at yourself in a floor to ceiling mirror that covers the length of the room while you're wearing a leotard and tights? Can you imagine doing that while going through adolescence? It's tough. It doesn't matter if you're skinny. A huge part of ballet is watching your body. When you're learning the correct technique it's a major way of knowing if you're doing things correctly or not. Intense scrutiny of your body for years and years has a lasting affect. I took away so many great things from my dancing days. A great body image was not one of them, though.

I hate looking at myself without clothes on. My body grosses me out a lot of times. It doesn't matter that I weigh 103 pounds and can fit into a size 0. Hell, in high school I weighed 95 pounds and was really fit, and I still could find tons of faults with my body.

Wanna see? In the spirit of full disclosure, I will do something that I've never done before, show myself. Here's a picture of my ballet dancing self taken during my senior year of high school. (Just ignore the quality. That picture's been in my husband's wallet for years.)

I am skinny. I know that. I am thankful that at 27, I still have just barely broken the triple digits. I am thankful that my body has not changed dramatically since high school. But you know what? A lot of times I still feel fat. I feel gross and ugly no matter what the scale says. Honestly, it's not something to be envious of. No one should feel this way about themselves.

I'm not expecting anyone to sympathize with me. I expect the "I still hate you for being a size 0" comments. That's fine. Really, it is, because if I wasn't in my head I wouldn't understand either. You see, this has nothing to do with bragging or anything like that. It has to do with the fact that I will never be able to see myself like others see me. It's impossible for me. I will never be able to look at myself and think I look fantastic. It's just not going to happen. You know those wacky mirrors at carnivals that distort how you look? That's me on a permanent basis.

Please don't anyone jump the gun and think I'm anorexic or something. I'm not. Trust me, you should see the crap I throw in my mouth. (Ok, that probably won't elicit any sympathy from anyone either.) Anyway, this is about my head, how my brain views my body. It's about viewing myself through a tainted lens, and it's not something I would wish on anyone. It's hard to like yourself when you hate your body. It's often times impossible.

I don't know why I'm throwing all of this out there, and I don't really expect anyone to get it. Hell, if I were someone else reading this I probably wouldn't have made it this far into the post. I guess I wrote this partly to explain myself, but it's more than that. I've always known this about myself, but I guess I've never actually gotten it out. I don't expect for it to change anything, but it does feel good just to get it all out there. So, there ya have it. It doesn't matter what things look like on the outside. You just never know what the fuck is going on in the inside.

An Earnest Attempt to Cheer Myself Up

2005-03-18T14:20:00.000-08:00

We got not so great news today. Dixie will not be able to come home this weekend. Her radiation level was 800 today, and I was told that it would not fall fast enough for her to be able to be released this weekend. Apparently the level falls quickly in the first couple of days, but once it reaches 800-900 it starts dropping more slowly. So this means that the earliest we can have our kitty home is Monday.

I've been doing ok, but when I found out that she won't be home this weekend I was not a happy camper. I was really counting on having her home. I hate that she's going to have to spend even more time locked in a little cage with only strangers in sight. I've been told that she's doing well, but it's still hard.

I decided I needed to try to cheer myself up, so I headed to the Galleria for some retail therapy. It started out pretty well. I had a lovely pick me up at Banana Republic when I tried on a size 0 dress, and it was still a tad too big. I love that stores seem to be making their sizes bigger every year. What a lovely self esteem boost. I wish it had actually fit, though, because it was quite cute and quite on sale.

I continued to have a relatively non bad time until I was heading out. I had to walk out through Neiman Marcus to get to my car. I'm not a fan of that store or others like it. It just feels too pretentious to me in there. Anyway, I was walking down the aisle, and guess what I had to walk past? Two 10 ft. models with 8 ft. legs. (Ok, maybe they weren't that tall, but it sure felt like it.) They were strutting down the aisle saying, "We're showing Praaaaada today." I mean I had to walk right next to them to get out of there. My 5'3" jeans and t-shirt wearing self did not feel fabulous walking next to some bona fide models. Anyway, I got out of there rather quick like.

I did manage to distract myself for a little while. I'm doing my best not to get too down in the dumps about the fact that my kitty is stuck in kitty jail for another weekend. It's hard, though. For once, I want the weekend to fly by.

Waiting, Waiting, and More Waiting

2005-03-17T12:50:00.000-08:00

I've never claimed to be a patient person, but this waiting is driving me crazy. Sometime it feels like that's all we're doing right now.

I've almost lost count of all of the test results we're waiting on. Karyotyping, SCSA, my repeat infectious disease testing, pap results. I guess that's enough. I'm also waiting on my darn body to get a move on this cycle. I'm on CD21, and still haven't had an LH surge. It seems like ovulation is nowhere in sight. I can't schedule my sonohystogram and endo biopsies until I get that surge. My body is rebelling, and I understand. I've put the darn thing through hell, but it would still be nice if it would cooperate just a little bit.

We're also waiting to see when my sweet kitty can be released. She's doing well, but we're ready to have her home. Yesterday her radiation level was at 1600, and today it was at 1000. She can't come home until it's dropped to 500. We've been given a 50/50 chance of having her home by this weekend.

I'm trying my best to go with the flow, but it's hard when I can't really do anything about all of this. I feel much better when I'm actively involved in whatever is going on. This too shall pass I guess. It better.

That Was Almost as Bad as the Wait for the Beta Phone Call

2005-03-15T14:03:00.000-08:00

Almost. Today was Dixie's big treatment day. I brought her in this morning, got the rundown on everything from the doctor, handed over my sweet kitty and a nice size deposit, and then wandered through the building trying my best to make it to the parking lot while bawling my eyes out.

A lot of tests had to be done before the final decision to treat her with the radioactive iodine could be made. They had to make sure that she's otherwise healthy, and they had to determine the extent of her hyperthyroidism. Those tests included a complete blood panel, urinalysis, chest films, and a thyroid scan. Dixie also had a little bump on her side that was questionable, so it was aspirated. I was told all of that would be done and then I would be called.

I waited and waited for that phone to ring. I was so scared that they were going to find something else wrong with her. She is 16 for goodness sakes. The phone finally rang at 3:30, and I got the report on the day's results. Dixie's bloodwork, chest films, and urinalysis all came back normal. The bump on her side was aspirated and was found to be a benign cyst. Her thyroid scan confirmed that she is indeed hyperthyroid, that she has the benign form of hyperthyroidism, and that both lobes of the thyroid gland are affected. She was given the standard dose of radioactive iodine and all appears to be going well. The doctor said she was awake and meowing loudly in her cage as we spoke. That's my girl. She's got a big mouth just like her mama.

I can't even begin to explain how relieved I feel right now. I really hope this treatment is just what she needs to feel better. I'll be able to call in every day to check and see how she's doing. We're keeping our fingers crossed that she'll be home by Friday or Saturday, but it all depends on how her body processes the radioactive iodine. I can't wait to have her home, though. I miss her so much.

My Cat the Vacuum Cleaner

2005-03-14T15:06:00.000-08:00

My youngest kitty, Salvador, started throwing up this afternoon. He puked, and then he puked again, and then he puked some more. I started getting worried. Two sick cats would just about do me in. Finally he puked up this:

I didn't know what it was. It was a six inch long piece of something resembling a shoe lace. There's just no telling what that cat got into. So, I went into our office to upload the picture to our desktop in order to include it in this post. While doing so, I found this:

It didn't take me long to figure out that my darling kitty had chewed up one of the pull string things on the mini blinds in the office and then decided that it would be a good idea to eat part of it. He's taken a liking to those things before, but we've always tied them up just out of reach. However, I recently raised the blinds in the office, because my girl kitties love to lie in the sun that comes in during the day. I forgot to tie up the stringy things higher, though. Apparently it didn't take Salvador long to discover this oversight. Silly cat. See how mischievous he looks?

Anyway, he's fine now thank goodness. Just another exciting day with my crazy kitty.

One More Crossed Off the List

2005-03-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

I tell ya, I'm beginning to feel like a lab rat. We can cross one more test off of the list, though, because my husband and I went and got our blood drawn this morning for our karyotype tests. Next up- the ever so fun pap and "well woman exam." What a name. I doubt I qualify as a "well woman." Anyway, I'll get that over with on Wednesday, and while I'm there I'll get my OB/GYN to run my viral blood tests again. You know, the ones to make sure I haven't caught an infectious disease in the past 6 months. My RE requires them to be updated that often, so I guess I better get them done if I ever want to cycle again.

In other testing news, my RE's office faxed a form over to my husband at work on Friday so that he could officially release the sperm for the SCSA testing. The thing had to be notarized and everything. Luckily my husband's secretary is a notary, as are most of the secretaries in the firm, so that wasn't a problem. I asked him if it was weird having his secretary notarize a sperm form, but he said that it was all written in code. You know, MESA, SCSA, etc.

I still haven't been able to schedule my sonohystogram and endo biopsies, because my body is being a slow poke this cycle. I'm on cycle day 18 and still no darn LH surge. I had to go out and buy a second box of those stupid OPK's this weekend. Ugh. I hate having to pee on those stupid things every day. I wish my body would just hurry up and cooperate.

I can't wait to have all of this testing done. I do feel like we're making some progress, though. I guess sometimes you have to go backwards before you can go forwards again.

I'm Making Myself Ill

2005-03-12T20:25:00.000-08:00

Literally. Last month my oldest kitty, Dixie, was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. We decided to start her on a transdermal form of thyroid medicine applied once daily to the inside of the ear. This seemed like the best initial approach. She did not do well with the medicine, however. It made her head itchy, and as a result she scratched bald spots behind her ears, over her eyes, and under her chin. As if that wasn't enough, she started vomiting a lot. Like 10-12 times a day. As soon as that started I called our vet, and we decided to take her off of the medicine.

The itching and vomiting stopped quickly, but without the medicine her hyperthyroidism wasn't being treated. My husband and I have decided to have her go through the radioactive iodine treatment. We just can't watch her waste away when there's something out there that can treat her condition. It's really expensive, but that's ok.

The thing is that I'm having serious second thoughts about going through with it. I know it's probably for the best, but I can't stand the thought of her having to be away from home for a week. I'm making myself sick with worry. She's just such a fragile old lady kitty. Just thinking about not being able to be there with her turns my stomach.

I want her to get better, but I don't want to feel like this. I hate when my body fills up so much with worry and nervousness that there's room for nothing else. I know I'm dramatic, but I just can't help it.

She's going in on Tuesday for the treatment. I went out today and bought her some things to make her stay a little easier. I stocked up on her food just in case she doesn't like the kind at the vet's. I bought her a new little stuffed mouse and a kitty sized pillow for her cage. She loves to lay on pillows, and I wanted her to be as comfy as possible while in kitty jail.

Next week is going to be really tough. I won't be able to visit her since she'll be radioactive. I really hope she will be able to handle the stress of being away from home for so long. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. She's been part of my life since I was 11, and I can't imagine life without her.

Damn Blogger

2005-03-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

I don't know what the deal is, but Blogger has been giving me fits. It wouldn't let me post yesterday, and today it was giving me some "this blog can't be found" error when going to the comments section. I republished, and it seems to be behaving now. I know a lot of people are switching over to Typepad. I would, too, if I wasn't so darn cheap. Anyway, hopefully things will be working better now.

Progress

2005-03-10T17:52:00.000-08:00

I tried posting earlier today, but Blogger was being a total bitch. Anyway, we're making some headway, and it feels damn good. The waiting is really hard for me. Being forced to take a break is really, really hard for me. It does help to make a little progress every now and then, though.

I've been waiting not so patiently for a week and a half on some insurance stuff. Today I found out that my new referral to my RE had finally been processed, so hopefully we'll be able to get my upcoming sonohystogram and endometrial biopsy covered. I also found out that the karyotyping for both my husband and myself had been approved, so the lab paperwork for that is on its way to us. Today also brought news that we definitely have enough sperm to do the SCSA test. It was confirmed with the SCSA people, so things are in the works to have the sperm shipped off for testing.

I'm definitely breathing a little easier now that things are moving with all of this testing stuff. I cannot wait to get it all over with, though. I'm ready to get this show back on the road.

I've Never Felt So Freakin' Normal

2005-03-07T15:07:00.000-08:00

I don't typically describe myself as normal. That's just not me. It seems my blood is, though. Most of my blood test results have come back, and they all look fine. Thyroid tests- normal, immune/antibodies tests- normal, blood clotting tests- normal, glucose tests- normal. That's a whole lot of normal.

Oh, and my beta had fallen all the way back down. No surprise there. Especially given the fact that I'm now on day 11 of my post chemical period. Oh, yes. Day freakin' 11.

It's good to know that nothing funky is going on with any of my bloodwork, but it's frustrating to not get any closer to having answers. I just want something to fix, ya know.

Oh, I needed a laugh today. My spell checker thinks I should replace "freakin" with "foreskin." Too funny.

Edited to add my apologies to Bloglines users. I don't know why Bloglines is deciding to show only part of my post today. It did that the other day, too. I hate that. Don't ask me why the hell it's doing that. I haven't changed a single thing.

Isn't It Ironic?

2005-03-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

The other day my husband and I were shopping, and I started loading the items from our cart onto the conveyer belt thing at the checkout. I leaned over to him and asked, "Don't you think it's ironic that we're buying ovulation predictor kits and alcohol at the same time?" His reply was, "I think it's pretty ironic that we're buying ovulation predictor kits at all."

Oh, yes. I am peeing on sticks again. I know. Isn't it odd for someone whose husband has no sperm to be pulling out the ovulation predictor kits? Yeah, I think so, too. The thing is that I have to find my LH surge this cycle in order to schedule my beta 3 integrin biopsy for the right time. It has to be pretty precise in terms of timing, so I'm peeing on the damn sticks.

It brings back pretty bad memories, I must say. I'm using the same brand as the HPT's I've used in the past, so they look exactly the same. I don't like the feeling I get in my stomach when I break out one of those sticks.

I also think it's ironic that I'm breaking out the ovulation predictor kits before my period's completely left the scene. I mean, this is insane. I'm on cycle day 10 for pete's sake. This sucks. Plus, I have no idea what my body will do this cycle. I haven't had a natural cycle since July. Yep, July. I started birth control pills for my first IVF cycle on August 1st and have been cycling ever since.

I feel like a complete infertility newbie. It has been so long since I've used OPK's that I forgot how to use them. I've got the peeing thing down, but I forgot that you weren't supposed to use first morning urine and all that good stuff. Plus, dealing with the whole "is this line exactly as dark as the other line" thing is tons of fun. I was trying to figure out when the last time I used one of those suckers was, and I think it's been about two years. My husband was diagnosed almost a year and a half ago, and I know we had given up on the OPK's well before then. Here we are over three years since the start of this "project" and I feel like we're back to square one. Combine all of the testing with the OPK's, and I feel like we're starting all over again. Of course, all I have to do is flash back to the past 7 months, and I know that's not the case.

So, I guess we'll see what my body decides to do. Sometimes it feels like this is all one giant experiment. Science is cool, but being a guinea pig sucks.

The Case of the Misread Lab Report

2005-03-05T08:59:00.000-08:00

My IVF coordinator called me back this morning. She was so worried about the whole situation that she went up to the office this morning to speak with the embryologist and lab manager. Guess what? She was just reading the lab report incorrectly. That's right. My total freak out session yesterday was all for naught.

Background: When the sperm was frozen immediately after my husband's surgery, it was frozen in 2 vials of about 15 million sperm each.

What I was told happened: One vial of 15 million was used for my first cycle and then discarded while the other was divided and refrozen, leaving five vials of 100,000 sperm each.

What really happened: During my first fresh cycle, they took one vial of 15 million and divided it into 6 aliquots. One aliquot was used for my first fresh cycle and another was used for my second fresh cycle leaving 4 aliquots. The other vial of 15 million was never touched. So, we do have 5 vials left, but one of those vials contains half of our sperm. The 100,000 figure for the sperm in the aliquots is just an estimate of viable sperm.

So, we have what I thought we had, and yesterday was just a huge misunderstanding. They're going to call the SCSA people to make sure, but it looks like we can use the vial of 15 million to do the SCSA test, and still have 4 aliquots left (ie. enough to do 4 more fresh cycles).

It's insane that I went through hell yesterday because of a misread lab report. I'm just glad everything's ok now, and I'm glad my IVF coordinator went and got everything figured out today so I don't have to freak out about it all weekend. Because really, I just don't need the extra stress.

Crushed Yet Again

2005-03-04T13:45:00.000-08:00

I don't know why this shit keeps happening to us. My husband and I decided that we wanted to do the SCSA testing on his frozen sperm. We knew that it wouldn't give us a definitive answer, but we thought the information that we could possibly gain from the test would be valuable. If it came back with a low level of fragmentation then we could get all of the professionals off of the "it must be the sperm" bandwagon and get them to start looking harder in other directions. If it came back high then we would know that we should consider using fresh testicular sperm for possible future cycles.

I called my IVF coordinator this morning to see about arranging the test. She called me back this afternoon to tell me that we didn't have enough sperm left to do it. She went on to tell me we only have 500,000 sperm left. What the fuck? I just don't get that. We started out with 31 million sperm that were retrieved through MESA. 31 million. How could we only have 500,000 left? Especially since I specifically asked to have the sperm refrozen after they used it for ICSI. I know that some are lost in the freeze/thaw process, but that sure doesn't explain everything. I don't know what they've done, but they've fucked up.

I lost it on my IVF coordinator. I mean really lost it. She's supposed to call me back on Monday after she's spoken to the lab manager to find out what happened, but I honestly don't know if I'm going back there. I don't know what to do about my tests and about our frozen embryos.

I know that I'm just going to get the "I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do" speech on Monday. I know that they're not going to try to make this up to us in any way. Hell, I even told my IVF coordinator that. I told her that I knew my RE would not try to rectify the situation. It will be just like the whole lack of mock transfer/embryo transfer from hell situation. Apparently, they can do no wrong.

I'm just devastated, because now we can't do the test. We have no way of knowing if that sperm's worth using. Plus, just thinking about what my husband went through to get those sperm makes me ill. He went through a major $20K surgery to get them. They're priceless in my mind since I sure as hell am not going to ask him to go through that again. I don't think the people at my RE's office get that.

I really don't need this right now. I don't know what to do. I guess I have to wait and see what they have to say on Monday. That and get drunk.

Delayed Reaction

2005-03-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

I've been doing pretty well the past few days. Maybe too well. I've been treating this last failure the same as I did the past two, but you know what? It's not the same. I think I've been in denial about that. Today things just came back and hit me. I had a lovely bawling in the shower moment that left my cat beyond puzzled.

I don't know what you call what happened during this past cycle. I guess technically it ended in a chemical pregnancy or very early miscarriage. I've been doing my darndest to avoid both the "p-word" and "m-word." I didn't ever consider myself pregnant even after the positive beta. First of all, I never expected it to work, and secondly, I knew that our chances were beyond slim given that low beta. I don't really know how I think of it, but I need to admit to myself that this was different than the other BFN's.

When I went in for my appointment with my OB/GYN on Monday, the nurse asked me all of the standard questions. Then she asked, "Have you ever been pregnant?" I didn't know what to say. I finally said, "Well, it depends on your definition of pregnant." I then had to explain the whole beta situation. I don't think I could ever answer that question with a flat out "Yes." The nurse then asked my age. When I replied that I was 27 she said, "Oh, you have plenty of time to get pregnant then." UGH! I politely replied that it didn't matter how old I was that if it wasn't working then it wasn't working. I hate that "oh, you're so young" crap. Don't even get me started.

I digress. Anyway, I guess my point is that I don't really know how to think about what happened. I don't know how to categorize it. It's a loss. That's all I know. I guess that's all that matters.

My Poor Veins

2005-03-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

I had my appointment with my OB/GYN today. Can I just say that I love that woman. She said that we could test for anything I wanted, so we did. She threw in a few extra tests, too. I got the works:
APA
ANA
ACA
lupus anticoagulants
both type of antithyroid antibodies (ATA & AMA)
TSH and free T4
factor V leiden
glucose
protein C activity
protein S activity
platelet antibodies
hemoglobin
Immunoglobulin Panel (IgG, IgM, IgA)
Antithrombin III
and of course, a repeat beta

I also put in a request to see if karyotyping for my husband and myself will be covered by insurance and requested a new referral to my RE so hopefully we can get my sonohystogram and endometrial biopsy covered by insurance. Who knows if any of this will show anything, but I can't say I didn't try.

The blood draw experience was not great. They had to take 12 vials of blood, but my veins are so beat up that it was tough. My left arm is still too bruised to use, so the phlebotomist had to use my right. The veins in my right arm are so tiny, though, that he had to use a butterfly needle. Do you know how long it takes to fill 12 vials using a butterfly? Forever. Halfway through my vein gave out, and he had to stick another vein. Towards the end I got really lightheaded and had to lie down. I'm not even done yet. They were out of one type of vial at the lab at my OB/GYN's office, so I have to go to another location to get one last test done. Who knows if they'll be able to find a vein to use.

I'm feeling a little better now that I'm doing stuff. Now I'm back to waiting, though. Who knows when I'll get those tests results back. I have to worry about something, though, so my newest obsession is worrying about whether or not our insurance will cover all of those blood tests. I'm totally fearful of getting a bill in the mail for $1,000. I know they'll cover the basic routine stuff like TSH, T4, glucose, and beta. More than likely they'll cover the other stuff that was printed on the lab form like ANA, ACA, hemoglobin. What I'm concerned about is all of the tests that actually had to be looked up in the book and written in on the form. Who knows if they'll cover those. I guess we'll find out.

I'm really not a fan of testing. I'm really not a fan of having to deal with insurance. I guess I'm not a fan of any of this crap, but I know it's necessary. If one day we get to the end of the road without a child in our arms, I need to know that we did everything we could, that we tried everything possible. I hope that day won't come, but we know it might. I don't ever want to look back and wonder what if.

Well, That Was Predictable

2005-02-28T12:18:00.000-08:00

I had my follow up appointment with my RE today. I don't know why I was looking forward to it so much. I knew I wouldn't get any answers.

My RE thinks our failures are caused by a sperm issue. She went on to say, though, that if I was older she would blame it on my eggs. Um, ok. Basically she doesn't know why the hell this isn't working, but I've heard that song and dance before. I'm totally over it.

I had the foresight to make an appointment with my OB/GYN for tomorrow. I knew I wanted to get some more blood tests done, and that's the way to go if I want to have any chance of our insurance paying for it. I have to have that repeat beta just to confirm that my numbers have dropped all the way even though my body's been confirming that all weekend. I'm also going to see about karyotyping, thyroid testing, and having a miscarriage panel done. My RE is totally not into the whole immune issues thing, but I'm going to ask my OB/GYN's opinion. She specializes in infertility, and I've found her pretty knowledgeable in the past. I think my battle plan will be to just go in there tomorrow and have her run any and all tests that she'll run for me.

I'm going to have a sonohystogram and endometrial biopsy done in a few weeks. I'm going to have both the standard endometrial biopsy, and the one that tests for the beta 3 integrin. The sonohystogram and standard EMB should hopefully be covered by insurance. The beta 3 one won't be, however. I think it costs $500-600. Plus, I'll probably have to drop another $500 to have the whole shebang done under anesthesia thanks to my wonky cervix.

I also have a call into my husband's urologist to find out his opinion on SCSA testing on MESA sperm as well as to see about karyotyping for my husband. From what I've read, I'm not sure if the SCSA test will be applicable in our situation, but we'll see.

I thought I'd be totally into all of this testing, because I'm dying to know what the hell is causing all of these failures. I have to say, though, that I'm dreading it all. I don't want to go through all of that and spend even more money to find out nothing. On the other hand, I wouldn't feel comfortable cycling again without doing the testing. My RE is doubtful that we'll find anything definitive through all of the testing, but I guess there's always a chance we could discover something that's playing a role in all of this crap.

It's so hard to keep fighting. My husband's convinced his sperm is crap and that nothing we do will work. Who knows if he's right. The thing is, though, that neither of us are ready to move on to other options: donor sperm, adoption, etc. We're just not there, but my husband doesn't think it's a great idea to keep doling out tens of thousands of dollars for a zero chance of this IVF stuff working. I don't think it's a good idea to keep putting ourselves into debt with nothing to show for it, but I'm not sure that we don't have a chance if we keep trying. I think if we had made crappy embryos then I might be able to jump ship more easily, but we didn't. We've always had a good number of embryos make it to blast. I just don't get how I keep killing them. [Yes, I know that there's no real way to know why those embryos aren't sticking, but that's how I feel. I feel like my body is failing me.]

What to do, what to do. My husband just wants to be done. I do, too, but only when I've got a child in my arms. I guess we'll see what comes of these tests. Maybe a consult with another RE is in order at some point. I just don't know. I hate that I have more questions than answers. Can someone please pass a crystal ball?

The Floodgates Have Opened

2005-02-25T12:37:00.000-08:00

The wrath of the post IVF period is upon me, and holy crap, it sucks. Thankfully, I still have a few Vicodin in my stash to get me through the worst of it. It would be preferable, however, just to have someone knock me the fuck out for the next few days. This is just too much fun. Oh, and I'm thinking that repeat beta on Monday to make sure my levels have dropped to zero might be a tad redundant at this point.

Dusting Off the Boxing Gloves

2005-02-24T12:33:00.000-08:00

The fight's definitely still there. I think one way I know I'm not done with this crap is that my urge to determine the next step is still there. Maybe even stronger than ever. I need to know what comes next. It's driving me crazy that I have to wait until Monday for my follow up appointment. I even called back today to see if I could get in this week. No such luck, though.

I know I deal with these damn IVF failures in an atypical way. Well, at least that's the way it seems. So many of my IVF buddies keep throwing that "take a break" phrase at me. I don't want a break, damn it. I want to keep going. I want to figure out what the hell is wrong and attempt to fix it. I know it helps a lot of people to try to get away from the IVF world (as much as is possible) after a failed cycle. That's great if it works for them. It doesn't work for me. I need to be doing something about it. I told my husband the other day that I missed my shots, and I do. It's not that I miss having a big 1.5 inch needle shoved into my flesh every day. I miss the feeling of doing something about all of this crap.

Since I can't do anything physically right now, I've been researching the hell out of everything I can think of. I've been on the internet playing RE for hours and hours the past few days. My head is swirling with stuff like immune testing, sperm dna fragmentation testing, endometrial biopsies, and the list goes on. Sure, I may be driving myself crazy with information about things that may or may not be applicable to our situation, but so what. I'm already crazy. At least I feel like I'm doing something.

Some would call me obsessive. Ok, most would. That's ok. If this is what it takes for me to get through this shit then so be it. I tend to think I'm a tad obsessive, but I like to think it's more determination than anything. I'm determined to get through another heartbreak. I'm determined to get answers. I'm determined to try again. I am determined to have a child. One way or another I know that my husband and I will be parents. I have no fucking clue what that way will be or when it will finally happen for us, but I'm not going to retire these boxing gloves until that day arrives.

My Brain's Too Fried to Think of a Title

2005-02-22T15:14:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm reading When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I actually requested it from the library before I got the results of this cycle. I had a feeling it might come in handy.

There was one part in the introduction to the book that really hit home with me. The author talks about an experiment that was performed to study pain. Participants were tested to see how long they could keep a bare foot in a bucket of ice water. It turns out that they could keep their foot in twice as long if someone else was in the room. The author goes on to say:

The presence of another caring person doubles the amount of pain a person can endure.

I completely agree. Knowing that all of you are "in the room" with me makes me believe that I get through this pain once again.

The fight that I know is in there somewhere will come out one day, hopefully one day soon. I will get through this just like I got through the other heartbreaks. It's definitely harder this time, though. Much.

I'm not going to pretend I'm ok right now. I'm not. I got drunk last night, slept in til 10 this morning, didn't take a shower until 2, and had nothing but chocolate to eat until 3. Not pretty. It will get better, though. It has to.

What's really hard for me is not being able to jump right back into things. I'm sure my body will enjoy a break. Poor thing hasn't had an unmedicated cycle since July, but my mind doesn't handle the waiting well. I need to be doing something or it drives me crazy. The thing is, though, that I don't have a fucking clue what to do. It's obvious that we can't just go jumping into another cycle willy nilly. That's just not working. I have a follow up with my RE when I go back to have my "we need to make sure your levels have bottomed out to a big fat zero" beta on Monday. I'm not holding out hope for groundbreaking answers, though. I'm sure one of these years we'll figure out what the next step will be. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

I guess I got sidetracked from my point. Can you tell I'm feeling a tad discombobulated? Anyway, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. How the hell would I make it without you guys?

Why Can't I Get a Fucking Break?

2005-02-21T13:17:00.000-08:00

It's over. Beta was 37. I've been told to discontinue meds and go back in a week for another beta to make sure it's dropped to 0.

Where do we go from here? I honestly don't know. It breaks my heart to think that this might never happen for us. As much as I tried not to get my hopes up, I couldn't help but feel different after I got a positive beta. What if I never get to feel that again?

After my two previous failed cycles I was devastated but still had some fight left in me. I was determined not to let one/two failed cycles throw me off the track. Now I'm just devastated. I don't know how to keep fighting. I hope that determination will come back soon. I don't think my heart could handle it if I had to give up on my dream. I don't think I'd make it.

So, how do you keep going? How do you keep pouring tens of thousands of dollars into something that has gotten you nowhere? How do you let yourself be vulnerable to sheer and utter heartbreak again?

All I know is that my heart still yearns for a child. That hasn't changed. Each failure makes me realize even more how much I want this. I'm scared that it's never going to happen, though. I don't think I've ever been more terrified in my life.

What The Fuck?

2005-02-21T06:25:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like IVF-C is finally back in business, but all of the old posts are gone. Forever. Don't they know that I need to obsess over all of the old posts on the beta board? Ugh!

Edited to add: I am grateful to have the boards back. I know Brenda's been working hard to get them back. It's just that in my opinion one of the best parts of IVF-C was being able to search back through all of the old posts. Ok. Enough bitching. Can you tell I'm stressed?

P.S. They have my blood. Just waiting.

But I Was Doing So Well

2005-02-20T18:50:00.000-08:00

I was proud of myself for staying calm, cool, and collected under the circumstances this weekend, but I guess it couldn't last forever. I am so damn nervous right now. I think there may be actual knots in my stomach. Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I'm just terrified that it's going to be a devastating day.

Hanging In There

2005-02-19T15:44:00.000-08:00

I guess there's really not much else to do at this point. Of course I've been googling every combination of words possible in reference to low beta situations. I'm not driving myself crazy, though. I know that this could go either way. So, while I'm definitely not celebrating or letting the "p-word" cross my lips, I'm not freaking out either.

I think the reason I'm not in panic mode is because this doesn't seem real. It's like I'm watching it happen to someone else. I never expected to get a positive beta, so everything from yesterday's phone call on has seemed like some kind of weird alternate reality. I guess it just hasn't sunk in yet.

Monday will be here eventually, and we'll have more to go on after we get the results of beta #2. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we get a great number, but as we all know, nothing is predictable in this crazy IVF world. I just hope I don't get snapped right back into reality.

I Guess That Explains It

2005-02-18T10:34:00.000-08:00

The mystery of the shadow lines has been solved. My beta came back at 46, a low positive. Of course this is further than we ever gotten before, but I'm worried. The average beta at 11dp5dt is about 200. According to the IVFer's HCG Levels in Early Pregnancy Page, a beta in the range of 25-50 at 16 days past ovulation (exactly where I am) results in an ongoing pregnancy at 20 weeks gestation less than 35% of the time.

I know I should stop obsessing over stats. I know I should just be happy to have gotten this far, but it's hard. I'm wondering how much harder it will be to get a negative after having gotten a positive. I guess the stress and worrying never ends, does it.

I'm going back on Monday for a repeat beta. I'm sure this will be one hell of a long weekend. I guess there's really nothing I can do at this point, though. I sure won't be dancing around shouting out the "p-word" at the top of my lungs. No siree. One day at a time, I guess. One fucking day at a time.

Complete Meltdown Mode

2005-02-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

I'm losing it. These HPT's are completely fucking with my head. Why do I continue to torture myself? I guess once you get on a runaway train it's not so easy just to hop off.

I took another FRED first thing this morning. I got a very, very faint second line. It's like a shadow of where a second line should be. When I compared it to the FRED from yesterday morning it looked a lot lighter, but now that it's dried it looks just a little lighter. I just took another Answer and got the damn shadow line again. What the fuck? I just don't know what it means.

I've been told by many people that the trigger should be totally out of my system by now. It's been 16+ days, so it really should. I just don't know what to think of the shadow lines. One second I'm sure that this is over and the next I'm wondering if it's not. Torture.

The waiting sucked, but this sucks even more. I go in for my beta tomorrow morning and should get the results about 24 hours from now. What a long 24 hours it's going to be. I feel like such a freak right now. My emotions are out of control. I hate not being in control. I'm definitely ready to get this shadow line situation resolved once and for all. Bring on the beta.

I Hate HPT's

2005-02-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

Why do I do this to myself? I know that breaking out the HPT's will only make things worse, yet I do it anyway. My bladder woke me up at 3am this morning, but I was determined to try to wait another hour since it had only been 3 hours since my last trip to the bathroom. I managed to lie there for an hour and got up when I thought I was likely to burst. I pulled out FRED from his box, gave him a good tinkle, and set him down on the counter. I looked over after less than a minute had past and saw white. Fuck. I looked back after only a few seconds and saw a very faint line. I couldn't believe it. I stared at the damn thing for quite a while, and sure enough there was a very faint second line there. I mean it was super faint, but it was there.

I tried to go back to sleep with no luck so I got on the computer until my husband's alarm went off at 6:45. I crawled back into bed with him, and he tapped on my head and whispered, "Do you know?" "No, I really don't," I answered. I led him into the bathroom and thrust FRED into his hands.
Me: "Do you see it?"
Him: "I see something."
Me: "Is it a line?"
Him: "I don't know."

My husband didn't want to talk about it anymore after that. He didn't want to get his hopes up which I can completely understand.

Obviously there was a tad bit of HCG in my system this morning. The question remains, though, was it the remnants of my trigger shot? You wouldn't think so, since my trigger was 15 days ago, but I'm pretty sure I've been burned by the trigger before. Remember this? My husband and I sure do. That super faint line this morning was just a flashback to that.

I decided to get a second opinion. I went and bought a couple of Answer tests which are supposed to be sensitive to 25 mIU just like FRED. I tested this afternoon with the Answer test and got a shadow of a second line right away that faded into oblivion after a few minutes. This was not a welcome result. It's looking more and more like my test this morning could in fact just be a result of leftover trigger. Tell me this, though. How the fuck do I still have HCG from the trigger in my system if the half life of Ovidrel is 29 +/- 6 hours when I took 500mcg 15+ days ago? I don't know how, but it's seems to be sticking around.

I really don't have much hope now. I fully expect to pee on another stick tomorrow morning and see nothing but white. I'm sick of this crap. Just sick of it.

Terrified

2005-02-14T22:15:00.000-08:00

I'm terrified of another failed cycle. I'm terrified of another negative beta. I'm terrified of another "I'm so sorry" phone call. I'm terrified of having my heart broken yet again.

I'm still dying to know, though. I'm sure once I get the result I will be wishing I could rewind back into not knowing land, but I still wanna know. I'm really not good with this waiting stuff.

I really don't feel any different than I did during the two week waits of my other cycles, and that makes me nervous. What makes me the most nervous is the cramping. I know that it can be caused by the progesterone, and I know that some people even think that it's a good sign but not me. I've had this same type of cramping the other two times, so it doesn't bode well in my mind.

This is torture. It truly is. I am trying my hardest not to get my hopes up, because I know the chances of having the happily ever after ending are slim to none. I want it to have worked so badly, though.

I'm really scared of having to pick myself up off of the floor again. I'm scared of having to pick up the teeny tiny pieces of my heart again. It is so hard. I just don't know if I have it in me. I'm terrified that I don't. I mean, how many times can one person survive that?

The FREDs have not come out of their boxes yet, but they are getting rambunctious in there. They want out as soon as possible. I want to let them out, but I don't. I'm just so scared of seeing that one line again. I know that I'll break them out sooner rather than later, though. I have to know. I can't put off the inevitable forever. I just wish this stuff didn't scare the crap out of me.

Are You Sure It Hasn't Been Two Weeks Already?

2005-02-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

Time is dragging by as it's known to do during the two week wait. It seems as though Friday will never get here, although I know it will. Hell, I'll probably be wishing I was still in the dark come Friday.

As usual, there's no way I'm waiting until beta day to find out my fate. I know HPTs are evil, but I don't care. I need to know before I get that phone call. I stocked up on FREDs this weekend. I sure as hell hope I bought the two lined variety this time. You know, they should really start marking that information on the outside of the box. I know there are people out there who really want the one lined ones and end up purchasing the double lined ones, and of course there are people like me who manage the opposite. I think if the damn things were labeled properly we could all just get what we want.

I've been really good about documenting all the facts of my three cycles: E2s, follicle sizes, lining measurements, embryo quality, etc. However, besides the bitching and moaning about Lupron headaches and post ER soreness, I haven't really been good about leaving a record about how I've felt physically through all of this. I keep asking my husband things like, "Was I bloated at this point last time?" and "Did I have cramps at this point past transfer?" Like he remembers. I guess it's a good thing that I have selective amnesia about past cycles, though, because I'm sure I wouldn't be on cycle #3 otherwise.

I just want to know if the same outcome is on it's way. Not that any of that info would really help. I'm fully aware that everything I'm feeling right now is due to my friend, PIO. The sore boobs, the mild cramping, the frequent urination, the vivid dreams. All credit to the mighty progesterone. Why does this crap have to fuck with my brain so much even though I know better? I guess it's because even though I've been in this same position before it does nothing to help the "not knowing" factor. I'm really not good with that.

I think the two week wait crazies have hit me harder this cycle. I think I did a better job of staying calm during my other cycles. I think this time I'm even more anxious to have this work. I just don't know how many more chances I'll have at this. It just keeps feeling more and more like it's now or never.

What's My Deal?

2005-02-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately I know the answer to that question. I'm just one big hormonal mess these days, but what's a girl to do. I swear, I really need to get a grip on this crying thing. It's getting old fast.

I'm feeling a little better than I have been, but it's tough. This progesterone stuff is kicking my butt. Not quite as literally as my past cycles (I can still sleep on my side and walk around without wincing) but I'm sooooo tired. Thank goodness I can sleep in or take a nap when need be. I just don't know how working gals survive. I think I'd be falling asleep on the job if I had to work right now.

I'm also a pretty cranky thing. I'm letting anything and everything get to me. Last night my husband and I wrote our thank you note to his grandparents, and it literally took me 30 minutes and 3 different notecards to finish my part. I had even typed out what I had wanted to say on the computer so I could just copy it, and it still gave me fits. At one point I almost just printed out my Word document and just glued that sucker to the notecard. I finally managed to get the darn thing finished, but man, I was definitely having words with the notecard at that point. I guess I really should type less and write more, so this doesn't happen so often in the future. I doubt that's going to happen, though.

I've also been having fights with my brain lately. It keeps going into "what if" mode, and I will have none of it. I don't mind if it starts thinking along the lines of "what if this doesn't work yet again?" It's ok to go there, but what I cannot handle is when the darn thing starts in with "what if this actually does work?" I just have to put my foot down there. It's being a very stubborn thing, though, my brain.

I'm trying hard to stay neutral. I can't help but get nervous, though. I'm also trying hard not to totally lose it, but I'm pretty sure my husband would say that I'm not doing too well with that either. I know I'm going to make it through this darn 2ww, but it's going to be one hell of a long week until my beta.

In Tears Again

2005-02-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

It's not that uncommon around here these days to find me in tears. Yesterday was definitely a doozy. Hell, I even had tears streaming down my face when Aaron proposed to Hayden on the Amazing Race. It doesn't take much given my current hormonal state.

I was going through our mail that was delivered today, and after I had gotten through all of the junk mail I found a card from my husband's paternal grandparents. They're really good about sending cards for the various holidays, so I was pretty sure it was a Valentine's Day card. Sure enough, it was, but what was inside brought me to tears instantly. One paragraph of what my husband's grandma had written inside the card read:

Grandpa & I know how tremendously expensive all the procedures you're going through are and have talked about helping a little. We know this can't begin to cover your expenses but hope it helps a little.

She went on to say that we were in their thoughts and prayers. Inside the card was a check for $1,000.

I am at a loss about how to express how much that means to me. Both of our families know what we're going through and know how much we've spent. Until today, no one had even offered to help out. This generosity blows me away. It feels amazing to have that kind of support. I hope I'll be able to find the words to express my sincere gratitude.

I'm Tired

2005-02-08T13:15:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to figure out a back up plan in case/when this IVF fails. I've blogged about it before and have continued to think about it, but I still don't have the foggiest notion about what comes next. It's tiring to have to be constantly trying to come up with another Plan B. Haven't we gone through enough of them already?

It's hard to be staring at the end of the road. I can look out and see where the damn thing just ends out of nowhere, and we're getting closer and closer. IVF is tough, but it's a billion times tougher when you're nearing the end. Before we started our first IVF I had hope that it would work eventually. I don't now. I'm all hoped out.

Our options are becoming more limited. It appears that my cervix is closely related to Fort Knox, and will do everything possible to keep anything and everything from entering the premises. This would include catheters containing our embryos, donor embryos, or donor sperm. It seems that my cervix does not like any of the options under the ART umbrella. Well, there may be one exception: ZIFT. Having our embryos inserted laparoscopically into my tubes would bypass the whole cervix situation. Of course this is even more expensive than a regular IVF cycle and carries with it the same uncertainties that we've already been dealing with.

Then there's adoption. I'm trying really hard to educate myself about adoption. I've checked out an armful of books from the library, perused adoption agency websites, and scoured adoption message boards, but the more I try to look into adoption, the more unsure I become. Maybe I'm scared to move on. Maybe it's just not right for me. Maybe I just don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I guess I need to table operation Plan B for now. I know that it will make for a harder landing if I don't have a backup plan come beta day, but I'm getting nowhere right now. Maybe I just need to wait until after cycle #3 comes to an end. I'm just worn out right now. So damn worn out.

*Disclaimer* I know it seems as though I have given up all hope that this cycle will work. Basically, I have. It's not that I don't want it to work. I want it to work with all of my heart. I can't even begin to explain how much I want to see a second line this time. I'm just having a really tough time with the fact that this could be the last chance we get at having bio kids. Who really knows what we'll decide to do should we face another failed cycle, but I have to acknowledge the fact that this could be it. So, I'm going to have to ask for a big favor. Could you guys just hope for me? I just can't bring myself to do it again. It's too hard. I hate the fact that I'm sitting here in tears right now, because I can't bring myself to have hope for these three little embryos. I want this so badly, but it's just so hard. So hard to let myself hope. It just hurts my heart, ya know.

I was literally about to hit the "Publish Post" button just now when the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID, and it was my RE's office. I figured someone was just calling to see how I was doing. That was partially true, but then my IVF coordinator gave me some news that shocked me to the core. The embryologist continued to culture our "stuck" embryos overnight and three of the 8 celled ones made it to blast and were frozen. They went from 8 cells yesterday to blast this morning. I guess they decided to make up for lost time or something. One is grade 4 and the other two are grade 3, so they're not awesome blasts, but I don't care. I'm just so relieved. My IVF coordinator said that grade 3 is average and that they've seen pregnancies result from grade 3 blasts before.

I hung up the phone and IM'd my husband to call home when he got a chance. He called right away but could not understand a single word I was saying because I was bawling so hard. I just can't believe it. Here I am writing a post about the end, and I get a call telling us that we have another chance should this cycle not work. When I was on the phone with my husband I kept sobbing, "It's not the end" over and over again.

I thought about just deleting the first part of this post and writing a new "good news" post, but I decided to leave it all. It just goes to show that IVF is full of unexpected twists and turns that can hit at any time. Holy crap. We have frozen embryos.

Could I Please Make It Through One Transfer Without Crying?

2005-02-07T11:25:00.000-08:00

I wish I could write some awesome post about how many perfect embryos we had or how smoothly my transfer went, but if you know my luck, you probably knew that wasn't going to happen. Things definitely could have gone better today. Of course they could have always gone worse, too.

Immediately after being called back I wanted to know how our embryos were doing. I didn't like what I heard. Only 3 of our embryos made it to blast. So much for our great track record. Two of the other ones got stuck at 4 cells, and the other five got stuck at 8 cells, all sucky grades. It made our decision about how many to transfer easy, though. We transferred 1 grade 5 blast and 2 grade 4 blasts. We've only ever transferred grade 5 (the highest) blasts before, so this report was not what I had hoped for.

My IV was quite an experience. The anesthesiologist decided that my bruised hand was probably not the way to go, so she decided to use my left hand. I told her that the last IV that was placed in that hand was very difficult going in. So, what did she decide to do? Just stick the IV in there without shooting my hand up with Lidocaine first. Of course, I didn't realize what she was doing until it was too late, but holy crap that hurt. She said that difficult veins often get more difficult with the use of Lidocaine, so she made the call to do without. I'm sure that's easy to do when you're not the one getting the IV. After she was done with the torture she said, "Now this is a quick and easy procedure." I quickly replied, "Well, you've never been in one of my transfers before, though." I would soon have her eating her words.

My transfer sucked as usual. I shouldn't expect anything less. My cervix would have nothing to do with the catheters, so my RE decided to dilate my cervix like last time. Well, my cervix would have nothing to do with that either and refused to dilate. So, my RE went back to the "yank at the tenaculum and keep trying different catheters" method until she finally got one to slip past the 90 degree turn and scar tissue in my cervix. It took about 40 minutes total. Afterwards I was told that my transfer would have literally been impossible without the anesthesia.

I really wasn't in the best of moods today. Who could blame me? What didn't help was the fact that everyone else was so damn chipper. I swear if I had hear "Stay positive" or "It just takes one" one more time I would have lost it. I hate that crap so much. Sure it's easy to stay positive if you haven't already gone through two failed cycles and don't have the whole difficult transfer thing to worry about, and I made that point known.

I got my beta scheduled earlier this time. I asked my IVF coordinator about it before my transfer, but afterwards she said, "So we'll schedule your beta for two weeks from today." I reminded her that we agreed that I could come in on Friday the 18th instead. You want to know her reply? "Sure thing. Whatever Amanda wants, Amanda gets." It wasn't a snide remark at all. She was totally being sincere. I guess the fact that I was sitting there in tears couldn't have hurt in the sympathy department.

To be honest, I'm not holding out too much hope for this cycle. We used embryo glue this time, so I guess in theory that could make a difference, but who really knows. I just don't know what I'm going to do if none of these embryos decide to stick. I really need to get working on that backup plan pronto.

I Can't Sleep

2005-02-07T05:10:00.000-08:00

I've been awake since 5am and have been tossing and turning to no avail since then. I finally decided that it was doing me no good to lie there with thoughts spinning through my head. I might as well get them out. This is the first time I've been really nervous this cycle. I guess it makes sense. Transfer day is not one of the easiest parts of an IVF cycle for me like it is for most people. In fact, it's one of the most difficult.

I've got to deal with the whole IV issue again. Not that IV's are usually that big of a deal, but today should be interesting. I can't decide whether to go with my left hand with the "thick walled vein" that gave the anesthesiologist so much trouble, and thus me so much pain, during my last transfer or to go with my right hand that is still a lovely shade of green from my IV on Wednesday. This isn't just a little bruise where the IV was inserted. Oh, no. The entire top of my hand is green with some red blotches thrown in for good measure.

I'm really worried about two things, though: our embryos and the actual transfer. Our day three report did set my mind at ease a bit, but who knows what could have happened in the two days since then. Will we have enough to transfer? Will we perchance have some to freeze so that I don't have to think of the forthcoming negative beta as the end?

The actual transfer scares the crap out of me. Not because I'm worried about the pain factor like the first time. That's what the anesthesia's there for. No, It's just that I know that with every additional manipulation comes a drop in our chances of success. Use the tenaculum? Well, I guess it could be worse. Have to manually dilate my cervix? Oh, we're screwed now. Difficult transfers don't make for great success rates, and whether or not I actually feel or remember any of it makes no difference.

Hopefully I'll have good news to report later today, but who the fuck really knows. All I know is that I want it to be over already.

Sometimes It Pays to be Pushy

2005-02-05T16:39:00.000-08:00

Maybe I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm pushy, but I definitely make every attempt to get my way when something's important. I'm sure I bug the crap out of the staff at my RE's office. I'm the patient who asks any and all questions that pop into her head. I'm the patient who grabs a notepad and pen anytime a dildocam is in sight. I'm the patient who requests a butterfly needle for blood draws even though the phlebotomist is only given so many a month. I'm the patient who needs to find out every piece of information that goes into her chart.

My RE has a few policies that I don't quite agree with, but I've found that I can get away with a lot of things that "aren't usually done" if I ask. One of these policies regards betas. My RE has her patients come in for a beta 14 days past transfer even for 5 day transfers. Now 14dp5dt is just too long to wait in my opinion. For my first cycle I got my beta scheduled for 13dp5dt. For my second cycle I got it scheduled for 12dp5dt. For this cycle I'll be pushing for 11dp5dt. I wonder how many other patients bargain for their beta date.

Another policy that gets on my nerves is that if the decision is made to do a 5 day transfer then the patient is given no information on their embryos after the fertilization report. You're just supposed to wait until you show up for transfer to find out how your embryos did. Not gonna cut it for me. I need a day 3 report darn it. I asked my IVF coordinator to request a day 3 report from the embryologist for me even though my day 3 fell on the weekend. Again, I don't know how many people do this, but I imagine the majority just go along with what they're told.

My persistence paid off, and I got my day 3 report today. Out of our 10 embryos we have (grade 5 being highest):
6 eight cell grade 5
2 eight cell grade 4
2 four cell grade 4

I'm pleased with that. This is a very comparable report to last time, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we'll have some good looking blasts on day 5 again. At least now I'll be able to sleep knowing that we'll probably have at least something to transfer on Monday.

I have no qualms about being a pushy patient. It's not like I'm ever rude about it. I always ask nicely, and thankfully I've always gotten what I've needed. I actually think that the staff at my RE's office feels sorry for me. Part of that stems from the fact that I'm on cycle three, but I don't think that's all of it. I think that anyone who was in the room during my first ET has a little extra sympathy for me. Hey, I'll take it. Something good had to come out of that excruciating experience. So, I'll continue to ask my questions and bug everyone with my requests if that's what it takes to help me through all of this.

Just Call Me Baldy

2005-02-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm not really bald, but I'm definitely losing my hair. My hair has been falling out at an above average rate since I started this IVF crap oh so many months ago. I'm sure one of the drugs I've been pumping into my body is to blame, but I'm not sure which. I went to get my hair cut today. After my hair had been washed (oh, I love that part) I sat patiently while it was all combed out. My hair's pretty long, so this takes a while. After the haircutter lady was done combing it out, she held up a ton of loose hair and asked, "Um, does your hair usually fall out this much?" I replied that I'm taking some medicine that does indeed cause my hair to fall out.

I'm not sure how common this is, but I've read a couple of posts on IVF message boards about this very topic. It seems I'm not the only one to have this happen, but it's still not fun. It's not like it's noticeable just by looking at me. I have no bald spots or anything, but there's hair everywhere. Every morning when I get out of the shower and wring out my hair, I'm left with quite a bit in my hand. My husband commented that he's used to having cat hair on his clothes, but now he has to worry about having Amanda hair cling to him, too. Hell, I even found a big long hair in the refrigerator.

I'm sure once I stop these IVF meds once and for all that my hair will go back to it's normal self. Hopefully that will be soon, but who knows. It sure will be nice not to find my hair everywhere I go, though.

Couldn't Ask for Much Better

2005-02-03T11:48:00.000-08:00

I just got the call. All 11 of my eggs were mature, and 10 fertilized with ICSI. I am beyond relieved. We're scheduled for a 5 day transfer on Monday at 9:30 unless something dramatic happens between now and then. Apparently, all 10 of our embryos look normal so far, so that's good. Last time two-thirds of our embryos made it to blast, so hopefully we'll have at least a few left by Monday.

I'm still really sore. Yesterday required three doses of Vicodin, but so far I have managed to survive drug free today. I'm still in bed, though. Sitting all the way up is just not going to happen today. Thank goodness for wireless.

Thank Goodness for Vicodin

2005-02-02T13:58:00.000-08:00

We got 11 eggs at retrieval this morning. I'll get the call sometime tomorrow letting me know how many were mature and how many fertilized. I'm hoping to get enough to be able to go to blast again, but who really knows. I was in quite a bit of pain by the time I got home, so I popped a Vicodin and took a nap. I don't know what I would do without pain meds.

I spoke to my vet this afternoon about the treatment options for Dixie. We decided to start with meds. I had been leaning toward the radioactive iodine treatment, but there's one major problem with that. I want to get her started on treatment ASAP, but that would mean bringing a radioactive cat into my house during the 2ww. They keep them at the kitty hospital until they're at a safe level, but they're still emitting radiation when they come home. I've read some about it, and it's not a good idea to do during pregnancy. I seriously doubt I'll actually get pregnant this cycle. It's not like I've got a stellar track record, but I can't risk it. We've been through too much to get to this point. I did find out that the thyroid medication is available in a transdermal lotion that you can just apply to the ear. That's what we've decided to try first, since Dixie cannot stand to take pills. If she doesn't tolerate the meds then we can always do the radioactive iodine treatment at a later date. I think this is a good starting point, though, given her age and my 2ww situation.

The Results Are In

2005-02-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

I'm offically triggered. Not much else to report on the IVF front until tomorrow.

My kitty's test results came back. Her thyroid level is high, but all the rest of her tests came back normal. So, it looks like we're dealing with hyperthyroidism. There are three options for treatment: medication, surgery, or radioactive iodine therapy. Surgery's out. Dixie's just to frail for that, so we're left with options one and three. If we go the meds route, she would have to take 1-3 pills a day for the rest of her life and would need frequent blood tests to monitor dosage levels and side effects. The radioactive iodine therapy involves a one time injection of radioactive iodine to destroy all affected thyroid tissue. It's expensive, about $1500, but would be a one time thing. She would have to stay in the kitty hospital for about a week while the radiation levels fall to a safe limit. Unlike the meds, there are no serious side effects involved with this treatment.

I'm going to call and speak to my vet about the pros and cons of each option tomorrow after I get home from my ER. My normal vet is out of the office today, so I ended up speaking to another vet this morning. I want to make sure we decide on the best possible option for our kitty. I want to make what's left of her time with us as comfortable as possible.

Where's the Fast Forward Button?

2005-01-31T13:30:00.000-08:00

I had another ultrasound and bloodwork appointment this morning, and it looks like I'm all set to go. I had nine follicles measuring 15-23mm and four measuring 8-12mm, so I'm triggering tonight at 10:30 for a 10:30am retrieval on Wednesday. Based on my measurements on Friday I wasn't expecting to trigger tonight, but it appears that my follicles liked the addition of the Repronex this cycle. My E2 came back at 2715, and I am very relieved. I did not want to deal with a E2 in the 4,000's again. My lining appears to be stuck at 9mm, though. It measured 10 on Wednesday, 9 on Friday, and initially measured 8 today. I said, "Um, my lining seems to be going backwards," so it was remeasured and came back at 9. It sure as hell better not be going backwards. I guess I'll ask them to check again at ER.

One of my kitties is not doing well, so I took her to the vet today. She's 16, so it was inevitable, but it's still so hard. I'm not ready to lose her. Especially not right now. I cried through the whole vet appointment. I'm sure the fact that I'm beyond hormonal isn't helping any. We're waiting on some test results to see what we're dealing with, but I don't know if there's much we'll be able to do for her besides love her.

I'm not one to buy into the whole "stress will ruin your cycle" crap, but man has this been a stressful cycle. First I had to deal with the whole meds fiasco (parts I and II) and now I can't stop worrying about my ailing kitty. I'm definitely ready for this sucker to be over with.

Slow Poke

2005-01-28T14:01:00.000-08:00

I had another ultrasound and bloodwork appointment this morning. A couple more follicles had popped up since Wednesday, but I'm not really counting them since they're so tiny. I had nine follicles ranging from 9-15mm and three ranging from 3-6mm. My lining measured 1mm thinner than Wednesday. I'm hoping that's due to how they measured it. I would hate to think that my lining is actually getting thinner. My E2 came back at 1068, so it looks like I'm headed towards another high E2 cycle. Right now my E2 is a touch higher than it was at this point during my other fresh cycle, and I ended up at 4452 at trigger. I'm not looking forward to feeling the effects of that kind of E2 again. So, I'm stimming slowly again this cycle. It took me 11 days to stim during my other fresh cycle, and it looks like it could very well take that long again. I don't go back in until Monday since I'm being such a slow poke.

After my appointment, I met a friend for lunch. This was not a run of the mill friend, this was an IVF friend. I've been posting with her on a message board since we both started our first IVF cycles back in August. We've since both had two failed cycles. We finally decided to meet, and it was awesome. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone, someone who actually gets it, face to face about all of this crap. Until today I had never met anyone who had gone through IVF, at least not anyone who had been open about it. It was just amazing to be able to sit there for over an hour talking to her. It was actually pretty cathartic for me.

After lunch I mailed my IVFMeds package back to them. They contacted me on Wednesday after I had gotten both shipments 2 and 3, and no, they are not just letting me keep the extra. I didn't think they'd just let me keep an extra grand worth of meds. They told me that I could either mail it back to them or remove the labels from my meds and send them on to another one of their customers in the US who had ordered the same thing. Um, yeah, that's got to be illegal. I told them that I was not comfortable with that, so they gave me the info to send it back to the UK. I think I got the whole Global Express thing figured out at the post office. Hopefully, they'll get their meds back soon, and I can close the book on this whole horrid experience. Oh, and I received a letter from the FDA concerning shipment 1. Apparently it was seized by customs and sent back to England. It appears that it may not be totally legal to order from them. Oops. I told my husband that I would make a very sympathetic defendant.

I'm hoping to survive this weekend. I'm getting grumpier and grumpier as the days progress. Did I ever mention that my brother in law is staying with us this week? I can't remember if I've blogged about that or not. I can't remember anything these days, and I'm too lazy to go back and look. Anyway, my BIL is moving to Houston and is in town doing some interviewing and checking out places to live. He's been here since Sunday, and I don't actually know when he's leaving. Obviously this isn't the best time for a house guest, but he's here nonetheless. Quite honestly, this arrangement is driving me a little crazy. Little things get on my nerves like lights being left on throughout the apartment, toilet seats being left up, dishes being left in non kitchen areas, etc. I'm really not in the mood to be picking up after another person. I know I shouldn't have too, but it drives me crazy just to leave those things undone. I'm used to it being just me, my hubby, and the kitties. Any diversion from that throws me off. Like everything else, this too shall pass, and I will live to be able to complain about something else.

Shouldn't I Have Learned Better By Now?

2005-01-26T13:13:00.000-08:00

I really thought that since I had a higher antral follicle count this cycle and since I'm on a higher dose of stims that I'd have a lot of follicles develop this time. I should know better than to get my hopes up. I should have learned at least that by going through all of this crap. Guess not.

My ultrasound this morning showed that I have eight follicles measuring 7-12mm and one at 4mm. During my first cycle, I had 12 at this stage in the game. I am thankful that I have some, and I know that a couple more could still pop up, but it's still disappointing. My lining looked good, though. It was already at 10mm. For my first cycle it was only at 5mm at this point. I guess my lining really likes Gonal-F. It was so stubborn during my FET but seems to be doing well this cycle, at least for now. At 366, my E2 came back just a touch higher than it did at this point last cycle. Interesting. Less follicles, higher E2.

The good news is that I FINALLY HAVE MY MEDS. Can you believe it? When I went to bed last night, the latest tracking update for both shipments 2 and 3 had them at JFK. Shipment 1 is a lost cause. I literally lost sleep last night worrying about getting my meds in time. I really don't think this stress was worth the $500 savings. Anyway, I got up this morning, and the tracking systems still had no further updates, so I called IVFMeds. I was given the phone number for the courier they used for shipment 3. Right before I called them I refreshed the tracking page and found that my package had just landed in Houston. During my call with them I was told that my package would be delivered today.

Well, I ended up getting both shipments 2 and 3 today. I don't know what they'll have me do with the extra, but I could care less right now. I'm just relieved to not have to scramble around town like a drug seeking madwoman this afternoon. So, I continue on with my Gonal-F, add in Repronex starting tonight, and go back in on Friday for another ultrasound and more bloodwork. I'm not getting my hopes up, though.

I Need a Cigarette

2005-01-25T12:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a smoke in over six years, but man I could use one right about now. Or maybe a drink even. Some nice prescription drugs would probably do the trick, too. I'm not about to seek out any of these things, but holy crap I'm stressed. I think my head is about to explode. Really.

The meds saga continues. Again. It's never going to end. UGH!!!! Anyway, I've been obsessively tracking shipment #3 since it left London yesterday. By yesterday evening it had made it to the courier's distribution hub in Belgium, and I assumed it would make it on one of the outgoing planes overnight. Wrong. Shouldn't I have learned not to make assumptions by now? I got up this morning to check its status only to see that the latest update was "Potential Linehaul Delay Due To Technical Problems." How the fuck do I get this unlucky?

I emailed IVFMeds and waited. And waited. I called and left a message and waited a little more. I finally got a call back. The plane that shipment #3 is on is apparently experiencing technical difficulties. However, the courier is telling IVFMeds that my shipment will still be delivered tomorrow. There's no guarantee with that, however.

Shipment #2 finally cleared customs at JFK last night at 6:30, but it's still floating around somewhere other than my apartment. The guy at IVFMeds told me that a lot of orders that cleared customs yesterday were delivered today, but apparently mine is not among that group. Of course it isn't. However, it should be here tomorrow. "Should" being the key word.

I was told that there is a really good chance that I will have at least one of the two make it here by tomorrow. I asked what I was supposed to do if neither of them showed. I was told to go ahead and buy enough locally to make it through another night and that IVFMeds would reimburse me for that expense.

This will work out. I have to keep telling myself that. One of two things will happen tomorrow. Either I'll get at least one of the IVFMeds shipments or I'll have to go on a last minute drug hunting expedition. I know that my RE has extra meds that are kept for situations such as this, so I can get them there if all else fails.

Now I just have to figure out how to be at my bloodwork/ultrasound appointment and at my apartment in order to sign for the package(s) at the same time tomorrow.

Will the Madness Ever End?

2005-01-24T10:09:00.000-08:00

The meds saga continues. My second shipment from IVFMeds arrived at JFK at 12:45 on Friday morning. It's been in customs ever since. To say that I'm getting frustrated by this point would be an understatement. I have enough meds for tonight and tomorrow night, but I have to get more by Wednesday.

I called IVFMeds this morning and left a message. Two hours passed without a peep from the phone, so I sent them a long and detailed email. I got a call a little while after that. I was told that all hope is lost for the first shipment. It is stuck in customs indefinitely. It's too early to tell if the second shipment is stuck in customs or not. He said that customs was backed up this weekend due to all the weather problems in the northeast and nothing was getting through. So, guess what? They are sending out a third shipment. They're sending it with the fastest courier possible, and it's going directly to Houston. No more of this JFK business. We should know by midday tomorrow if this third shipment will make it here by Wednesday. I'm supposed to receive a call back tomorrow to let me know if it will make it. If they can't guarantee delivery on Wed, then I'll call Freedom Drug tomorrow. Thankfully, they'll deliver the next day with orders placed by 3pm my time. I really don't need this right now. This is beyond insane!

I know I'll get my drugs one way or another, but I hate having to worry about the whole situation. Can't things just go smoothly? I guess not.

A-maz-ing

2005-01-22T16:27:00.000-08:00

Cirque Du Soleil was beyond fantastic. It was such a welcome distraction to be able to sit there for a few hours and be taken away to another place. It's easy for me to lose myself in a performance and even easier when it's a truly awesome show.

It's always a little bittersweet for me to go to the ballet, a Broadway show, or something like Cirque Du Soleil. It makes me miss performing so badly. I wish that I could just hop right up there on the stage a lot of times. I really did have to mourn the fact that I'll never be able to dance again. I know the reality that is my knees, but I still miss it.

I ended up shooting up in the car in the crowded parking lot right before we went into the show. It really wasn't a big deal except my Gonal-F vial was being a bitch. I hate using those multidose vials for the first time. There's some kind of massive suction thing going on in there as a result of the chemical reaction between the powdered drug and diluent. I injected air into the vial and everything, but the plunger on the syringe still wanted to do its own thing. It worked out ok except that the Gonal-F ended up spraying out of the vial some. I do have to say, though, that injecting 375IU is a lot harder on my stomach than the 225IU and 150IU doses I had my first cycle. I have a much harder time "pinching an inch" on my stomach than on my thigh, so it makes things tricky. Nonetheless, the stimulation phase of this cycle is officially underway.

I am so glad that we were able to go to the show last night. It was a splurge and not something we would do every weekend, but I sure wish we could. Sometimes it's hard to have fun when we're in the middle of all of this IVF crap, but last night sure fit the bill. It was like a happy injection for the soul. That's definitely the type of injection that I prefer.

So Excited

2005-01-21T13:05:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not reeling with anticipation over that fact that I start stims tonight, although I am ready to get this show on the road. What's got me excited is our plans for the evening. My husband and I are going to see Cirque Du Soleil's Varekai tonight. I have wanted to see one of their shows for the longest time, and a few weeks ago I just happen to stumble upon the fact that they were coming to Houston. It's definitely a splurge for us, but this is my special treat for round three. I think I'm going to have to shoot up in the car in between dinner and the performance, but c'est la vie. It's not like I haven't done it before. I'm looking forward to the distraction that comes with losing myself in an awesome performance. I can't wait.

All Systems Go

2005-01-20T16:06:00.000-08:00

My baseline ultrasound went well this morning, so I'm relieved. My lining was nice and thin and my ovaries showed no signs of pesky cysts. I was pleased to see that I have quite a few more antral follicles than I did last time. The ultrasound was kind of fuzzy today, but it looked like there were at least five antral follicles per ovary. Last time I had four total. Hopefully this is a good sign.

I got my goody bag of donated meds today, so I'm set for the weekend. I wrote a thank you note for my RE's office to pass along to the person who had donated the drugs, and my IVF coordinator said that no one had ever done that before. I found that surprising. This person generously donated about $1300 of meds. The least I can do is take the time to write them a thank you note.

My second IVFMeds order shipped out last night, so I guess we'll see if it can make it through customs sometime in the near future. It would be nice not to have to worry about that situation anymore.

I'm in a good mood today despite the Lupron permaheadache. I'm very glad to get the go ahead to start stims tomorrow. Not only will I be glad to be rid of these damn Lupron side effects, but I'm ready to get this sucker over with. I know things will start to move more quickly now, and that's a very welcome change. Things have been moving in slow motion lately. I'm also interested to see how things will play out with the changes we're making this cycle (more Gonal-F, adding Repronex, using EmbryoGlue). I guess we'll find out soon enough.

The Meds Saga Continues

2005-01-19T13:37:00.000-08:00

I didn't receive a reply from IVFMeds concerning my latest email, so I emailed them again this morning. I got a call from them soon after. Apparently if my order has been stuck in customs this long then I shouldn't expect it to be released any time soon, so they are sending out a second shipment today in hopes that it will clear through customs more quickly. The fun never ends. Thankfully I will be getting those donated meds tomorrow when I go in for my baseline ultrasound. Those should get me through the weekend, so I just have to hope that either customs decides to free my package or that the second shipment turns out to be speedier than the first. We shall see.

As mentioned, tomorrow is baseline day. Also known as "hand over a check with lots of zeros" day. Ouch. I've already written out the check so I could save a scanned copy of it, and I have to admit that it was painful to write that sucker. At least it will be done with, and I'll be able to focus on all of the other fun aspects of an IVF cycle.

My period behaved and showed up on Monday, so hopefully my lining will be nice and thin tomorrow. My ovaries better be behaving as well, so that I can get the green light to start stims on Friday. I'm ready to get this show on the road.

Plan F Revisited

2005-01-18T16:06:00.000-08:00

Now that I've had a shower, I can get back to my thoughts on Plan F. Getting that post out of my head and onto the computer screen was pretty cathartic for me. It made me realize how I really feel about all of it.

I'm not ready to move on to other options that would require us to lose the biological connection. Not yet, anyway. I know in my head that having a child by way of donor sperm, donor embryos, or adoption would be amazing. I know that I would cherish that child no matter how he or she came into our lives. But, I'm just not ready to give up that image I have imprinted on my heart of a biological family. I'm not there yet.

Last night I asked my husband if he had read my "Plan F" post, and he replied that he had. I asked him what he thought about it, and he said that he wasn't sure yet. I told him that getting all of that out had made things a little clearer for me, and he wanted to know how so. All of a sudden it just hit me, and I broke out into tears. I told him that I wanted to keep trying IVF. He then said, "We can't do IVF indefinitely." He's right, of course. You want to know what I said, though? "We don't have to do it indefinitely, just until it works." I know that is not a rational thought. I know that we can't just keep at this IVF stuff. It's wearing us out physically, emotionally, and financially.

I'm just having a major heart/head battle. My head is very logical. It says that we need to move on to other options if this IVF doesn't work. It makes sense not to keep trying at something that's obviously not working. Oh, but my heart is trying really hard to speak louder than my head. I want to have my husband's child. I want that so badly.

I know that I still have this upcoming IVF to add to the equation. It may work and then all of this would be moot, but we all know that there's a better chance that it won't. I need to be thinking all of this through as I go through this cycle. The thing that allowed me to pick up the tiny pieces of my heart after my previous IVF failures was knowing that I had another chance, knowing that it wasn't over. I think if I went into this cycle without even a semblance of a back up plan, that I would have a much harder time recovering from the probable post cycle crash. I have to be able to pull myself back up, and looking forward to the next step helps.

I hate that we even have to be put in the position to make these kinds of decisions. I hate it so much, but there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to accept that nothing about having a child has been or will be easy for us. It sucks, but it's reality. Who knows, maybe we'll get lucky, but I'm not counting on it. I am counting on being able to have some path to follow after this cycle is over. We just have to figure out what path that will be.

Seriously?

2005-01-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

I'm having another run in with a "just my kind of luck" type of day. Last night my cat peed on the bed. Don't ask me why she decided to do that. I have no idea. My husband was not a happy camper. Anyway, I stripped the new comforter (got a new one after the poop incident,) the sheets, and the mattress pad off the bed and threw everything in the laundry room until I could get to it this morning.

Well, I slept in a little bit this morning thanks to my Lupron stupor. I finally got up and started a load of laundry. After it was done, I went to start another load but the washer wouldn't turn on. Just great. So, I decided to hop in the shower before calling the maintenance people to come look at it. Well, I soon found out why the washer wouldn't work. We have no water.

I called the "resident service center" and got the dumb ass who has never been much help in the past. I asked if this was a scheduled water outage, and she replied that it was. Work was being done on the water main, and they had put up flyers yesterday at the mailbox centers to notify us. I then voiced my opinion that they should find a better way to notify residents of such issues than posting fliers by the mailboxes on a day where no mail is delivered. Seriously, do they think people are stopping by to check their mail on a federal holiday? All I got back from her was a dismissive "ok." UGH!!! I am so frustrated.

So now, not only can I not finish washing the peed upon linens, I can't take a damn shower until 3:30. Yes, this is not the first time this has happened, and I'm pissed off. Can't a girl just get a freaking shower?

Plus, I'm more than a tad frustrated about my meds situation. I ordered my stims from IVFMeds on 12/31. I still don't have them. I was told a couple of ship dates, the last of one being that they would ship on 1/10 using expedited shipping at no extra charge. Well, my tracking thing says that my order was dispatched from Great Britain on the 11th and again on the 12th with an arrival at JFK on the 13th. They've been in customs ever since. I emailed IVFMeds yesterday and today to see if I could expect to receive my order before my first injection on Friday, and I have yet to receive a reply. I really don't know what's up with that whole situation.

So, I guess I'll just sit here in my pajamas hoping that the day doesn't get any luckier. Fun times.

Plan B F

2005-01-17T18:17:00.000-08:00

I'm all about having a back up plan. It's been tougher this time around, though. We seem to be going through a lot of back up plans these days:

Plan A: Have sex- That worked well.
Plan B: Hubby's surgery to bypass blockages- Not so much. Too many blockages.
Plan C: IVF/ICSI- Seemed to be going ok until transfer day and then beta day.
Plan D: FET- Nope again. Three more beautiful blasts led us nowhere.
Plan E: Round 3, another IVF: We shall see.
Plan F: ?

I think we basically have four options if this IVF fails and we have nothing to freeze. If we're lucky enough to have embryos frozen our choice we'll be easy. We'll do another FET. If a FET is not an option or if we do a FET and it fails, then we'll have to make some tough decisions.

1) Another fresh cycle.
2) Donor sperm IUI.
3) Donor embryo FET.
4) Adoption.

We've pretty much eliminated choice one. After this upcoming cycle we will have put about $30K and a ton of blood, sweat, and tears into this IVF business. That's enough in our minds. I'll never say never, but I don't think we'll be doing another fresh cycle. I think I could do it (you'd never know it from my whining, though, huh?) but I don't want to put my husband through all of this again. I see how these IVF failures are pushing him closer and closer to giving up completely. I just don't want to get to that place where he's not open to other options.

Donor sperm IUI is definitely an option for our situation, but I don't think it's at the top of the list. It would make sense logistically speaking, since we're dealing with male factor infertility. It's by far the cheapest option, but money hasn't guided our decision making process so far, so why should it be considered over everything else starting now? There are two main drawbacks to this option in my mind. We'll still have to deal with my wonky cervix. I mean, how many IUI's are done under anesthesia? Also, there's the equality of the biological connection issue. Genetics are not the most important factor when trying to decide how to go about all of this, but there's just something about having my genetics come into play and not my husband's.

Donor embryo FET would be another option, but it's much harder to come about donor embryos than donor sperm. I know my RE has a donor embryo program, but I have no idea how long the waiting list is or what the program entails. We'd still have to deal with the cervix issue here, too.

Both options 2 and 3 would allow me to experience pregnancy assuming they eventually worked. That's the thing, though. Who's to say that either of those options would work if IVF didn't?

We're also considering adoption. I have to be honest, the adoption process scares the crap out of me. It just seems so hard. So much red tape, so much paperwork, so much waiting. I've started researching adoption. I know that when we first found out that IVF was a possibility in our future that it seemed overwhelming, too. I've spent millions of hours researching IVF, not to mention the fact that I'm getting pretty good at the actual process now, so it's only natural for me to feel more comfortable with it. One thing that's appealing about adoption is that we could actually end up with a child at the end of the process. I know that adoption is no guarantee, but it's got to have better odds than IVF. The whole missing out on the pregnancy experience gets to me sometimes, though.

Obviously, choices 2, 3, and 4 require letting go of the biological connection. So, basically, if this IVF or any possible subsequent FETs fail to work then my husband and I will most likely never have a biological child. Man, that was hard to write and hear in my head. I don't know if I'm ready to come to terms with that yet. I know that I will be able to if need be, but that's so tough. I know in my head that genetics are not the most important thing, but oh how my heart aches to think that I may never be able to look at my child and see my husband's amazing eyes or be able to do silly things like laughing with my daughter about how she inherited her mother's and grandmother's tiny boobs and big butt. This is really tough stuff. Really fucking tough.

I think right now we're leaning more towards adoption, but who really knows. I haven't had that moment where I just know what's best for our next step. I know I need to do a lot more research, a lot more pondering, and a lot more discussing with my husband. This stuff is hard. It's hard when you have this long term idea of how your family will be formed and then you have to keep altering that image bit by bit. I know that I want us to be able to have a child. Who knows which way that child will come into our lives. I know, with all my heart, that no matter which road we go down or how long this seemingly never ending process takes, that it will be worth it. That's just about the only thing I know for sure.

Cranky!

2005-01-16T15:50:00.000-08:00

Oh, yes. I am so damn cranky today that it's not funny. I have no idea how my husband puts up with me. I'm truly pitiful. I cannot wait to start stims. Not because I'm so excited to see how many follicles pop up, but because I want these damn side effects to stop kicking my ass. Thank goodness for naps. I think I would have completely lost it today without my little catnap this afternoon.

Want to do something fun? Take a Lupron doped woman grocery shopping. Now, I'm totally anal about grocery shopping, because it's too frustrating otherwise. I always have my list with items listed in the order that we'll hit them as we make our way throughout the store. I also write the sale price next to the item if applicable so that I can make sure that I'm charged the correct price at the checkout. (Last week I got a free 3 pound bag of chicken breasts that way). And then I always put a star by items that I have a coupon for so I don't forget to use the darn coupon.

Anyway, today I was prepared as usual but had quite a hard time remembering what to get even though everything was listed right in front of me. My husband and I had made it all the way to the far side of the store when I exclaimed, "I forgot the hotdogs." We had walked right past the darn things, and they were listed in plain sight on the piece of paper in my hand, but no hotdogs had made it into the cart. We made our way back to get the hotdogs and then back over to the other side to finish our shopping. I thought we were done when I realized that I had forgotten to get hotdog buns, too. Now you would think that even if I had forgotten the buns, I would remember them once I remembered the hotdogs. Oh, no. Not this loopy girl. My husband found it quite entertaining.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that: a) My period shows up soon, b) I get the all clear at my baseline on Thursday, and c) I actually get to start stims on Friday. I so need to be onto the next phase. This one's getting very old very fast.

It Was Just a Matter of Time

2005-01-14T12:57:00.000-08:00

I knew it was coming. I just wasn't sure exactly when. I've got that lovely "run over by a truck" feeling going on accompanied by the never ending Lupron headache. The brain mush factor is starting to kick in as well. Oh, how I love Lupron.

The good news is that I took my last birth control pill last night. That's always a good thing. Now, I just have to hope that my period decides to cooperate. I really don't want to have to be on Lupron any longer than is absolutely necessary.

Side effects are just insane to me. It's just amazing how this teeny tiny amount of liquid can kick my ass time and time again. At least I never have to wonder whether or not it's working.

Random Utterings

2005-01-13T11:04:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd respond to a few comments/questions that have been posed in my comments section lately.

When I was dealing with the walking to the pharmacy situation, a couple people mentioned getting a ride from a friend. First of all, I really don't mind walking aside from the knee situation. We live smack dab in the middle of Houston, and there are a ton of things close to our apartment. To the point, though. I don't have any friends in Houston. Yes, we've lived here for over a year and a half, but I don't have any real friends. There are a couple of people I went to high school with who live here now, but it's not like I'd ever call them up. Plus, Houston is so freaking big that even if I did have real friends that lived here, I wouldn't ask them to drive 45 minutes each way to drive me 5 minutes to a pharmacy. Hell, I wouldn't even ask my husband to do that. Driving is just such a pain here.

Back to the friend issue. I guess some people would find me pathetic for not having friends here, but I don't view it that way at all. Actually, most of the time I quite prefer it that way. I'm very much a homebody/loner. I'd much prefer to stay in with my hubby than go out with a bunch of people any day. It's not like we never do stuff with other people, but this is what works.

I don't have many chances to meet people here. It's not like I'm going to start up a conversation with some random person at the grocery store or something. I'm not working now, so that whole coworker friendship thing is out. I really haven't taken a liking to most of the spouses of my husband's coworkers. A lot of them are lawyers, too, and while I can deal with my husband speaking legalese every now and then, I cannot handle a bunch of people yacking on and on about the law.

The reality is that I do have friends. They just happen to live all over the country, and world for that matter. The women I have met through infertility blogs and message boards have been just as good, if not better, friends to me than the "real life" friends I've had in the past.

Enough about that. I'd like to throw a few things out there about my knees. Yes, they are bad. Yes, I do not have nearly enough cartilage in them. Yes, it's a life long thing, but you know what? It's truly not a big deal to me. This is just part of my life. I've dealt with my knees like this for over five years now, so it's really not that big of a deal. Sure, I can't do some things that I would like to do. Sure, my husband literally has to carry me from point A to B when things get really bad, but it's all worth it. It was worth it to me to be able to spend those 18 years dancing. Give me a pair of pointe shoes, a stage, and some music, and I'm a happy camper. It just doesn't get much better than that in my mind. The truth is that they're not always so bad. I've been taking glucosamine chondroitin for quite a while, and that helps tremendously. The thing is that I don't take it while cycling on the 0.5% chance that this IVF business could actually work. It hasn't been tested for use during pregnancy, and I'm not about to take any chances. So, now that I haven't been taking my magic pills for a while, my knees have gone back to being really bad. It's ok, though. It really is. The physical pain is nothing compared with the emotional roller coaster of this IVF ride.

Amy asked how I was feeling. Thanks for asking, Amy. Surprisingly, I'm feeling pretty good. The Lupron is making me really tired, but that's just fine. I'm a fan of sleeping, so it's all good. I give the evil side effects 24-48 hours, though. I know I'm not lucky enough to skip them altogether. I'm actually feeling good emotionally, too. It's not like I'm excited to be doing IVF again or that I have high hopes for this cycle. In fact, I have zero expectations this time around. Absolutely none, but it helps my spirits to actually be doing something.

And now on to a topic that has nothing to do with anything in my comments section. I mentioned the other day that I had gotten the tracking number email for my IVFMeds order. Well, the latest update on the tracking page is from yesterday morning when my meds shipped out of England. A little strange, but I guess it could take a while to update. The thing is that last night I was flipping through the channels and stopped on the local news right when they were doing a story about a plane that flew from London to JFK yesterday that had to turn right around without unloading due to the fact that someone on the plane was listed on one of the terrorist watch lists. I immediately mentioned to my husband that it would be my luck if my meds were on that plane. Now, I have no idea if those type of packages are even shipped on commercial planes, but it was a funny thought nonetheless. The point to all of this is that I'm paranoid. I guess I think if something can go wrong, it probably will. I'm sure my meds will arrive safely any day now, but it would be just my luck to have that happen.

So, I guess this has been the most hodgepodge post ever, but it's what was on my mind. I'm sure I'll have more interesting things to blog about once this cycle starts going full force.

It's Been a Good Drug Day

2005-01-11T15:47:00.000-08:00

My worries about my meds have melted away. I got my tracking number email from IVFMeds today, so my stims are actually headed my way now. I also managed to get my Lupron this afternoon just in time for my first injection of round three.

I decided to walk to the pharmacy this afternoon to get my Lupron. I could have waited until my husband got home around 7 or so, but I thought that would be cutting it too close. What if there was a problem with my insurance or they had ordered the wrong thing or it just hadn't come in? My stress levels are thanking me for walking the 2+ miles roundtrip to get the drugs, but my knees are not. It was worth it, though. I may not be able to walk anywhere for the next few days, but I'll be loopy on Lupron, damn it. Oh, and when I say that I won't be able to walk anywhere, I don't mean not being able to walk on the treadmill or take another two mile hike. I mean not being able to make it across the apartment without assistance. My knees suck, but that's ok. I'm trying desperately to appease them with some ice packs right now. Hopefully that will make the little fickle things happy.

So, I guess this is actually happening again. Popping birth control pills does not an IVF cycle make, but shoving a needle into my flesh definitely kicks things off in my mind. The next few weeks should be interesting.

Simmering Down (At Least a Little)

2005-01-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

A lot of things were stressing me out yesterday. Things are a little better today. I've done some list checking in the past 24 hours. It's nice to have some semblance of resolution.

1. Massage: Check (Thanks, honey.)

2. IVFMeds: Check. I emailed customer service again. My meds will ship today using the expedited shipping method at no additional charge.

3. Lupron: Check. Target cannot get my Lupron. Apparently their wholesaler does not stock it even though I got it from them two months ago, so I transferred my Rx to CVS. They will order the Lupron today, and it will be in tomorrow afternoon, just in time for me to start shooting up again tomorrow night.

4. Transfer situation: Check. I still do not have total faith that my RE's plan for my transfer is the best choice. However, I have reviewed the other possibilities and there is nothing that seems to be a better alternative, so I have decided to just go with what we've decided to do. Basically, there really is no good way to go about this, so I just have to hope that we haven't picked the worst.

I can't say that all of my stress has magically floated away, but at least I'm not sitting here freaking out over all of the crap that has gone/could go/will go wrong or not according to plan. I'm all about having a plan, but it seems that the IVF gods really aren't into that at all. Plans tend to get thrown out the window rather quickly in IVF land. I'm trying really hard not to let that get to me so much. I doubt it helps, but at least I'm making the effort.

I Think I Need a Massage

2005-01-09T16:33:00.000-08:00

I'm doing a tad bit of stressing today. Ok, maybe more than a tad bit. One main source of stress is coming from my lack of meds situation. I really wasn't worrying about it much, but this weekend changed all of that.

I dropped my Lupron Rx off at the Target pharmacy yesterday and was told that it would be ready on Monday. No problem. I don't need it until Tuesday, so that was fine. Well, today I got a call from the pharmacist to let me know that their computer wouldn't let him order the Lupron because it was out of stock in the system. He said that sometimes they have it and it doesn't show up, but there's no way to find that out until tomorrow. He also said that with the big bucks type prescriptions that they can overnight the drug directly from the manufacturer to the pharmacy a lot of times. Again, there's no way to find out about that until tomorrow. So, I'll either get a call tomorrow telling me that my Lupron will be ready to pick up on Tuesday or that they can't get it. I'll then have to transfer my prescription somewhere else in hope of getting my Lupron by Tuesday. Ugh.

I'm also getting frustrated with IVFMeds about my stims order. I placed my order last Friday and expected it to ship out mid week. Their website says that they ship orders within 24 hours of receiving the Rx, but I figured with the New Year holiday that it would take a few extra days. When my order hadn't shipped by Wednesday, I emailed their customer service. I received a reply within 5 minutes (impressive) that stated that my order would ship on Friday. Well, it didn't. I emailed them again yesterday. I guess they don't check their email on the weekends, however, because I have yet to receive a reply. I even called them but got a message saying that no one was available to take my call. I guess they just close up shop for the weekends. Hopefully that whole situation will be resolved tomorrow, too.

What's really been bothering me, though, is my constant need to dwell on my wonky cervix and the resulting less than stellar transfers. I'm worried that our game plan (anesthesia for transfer and dilating my cervix) is not the best idea. I really should stop scouring Google and PubMed for info on difficult transfers, the use of dilation, etc. It's driving me crazy, because half of the studies say that difficult transfers, including transfers in which dilation is utilized, result in a significant decrease in success rates while the other half of the studies state that there is no real difference in success rates between easy and difficult transfers.

I'm having a real problem trusting my doctor. It's not that I don't think she's a good RE, but I would be questioning any doctor right now. I really wish I could just have faith that she is doing what's best for my situation, but I can't. I couldn't with any doctor. It's just hard to know whether or not this whole transfer situation is responsible for my failed IVFs. No one really knows and that DRIVES ME CRAZY. I need an answer damn it, and no one can give that to me. I just want someone to tell me to do A, B, and C and then it will work. The not knowing is so frustrating.

Sometimes this stuff isn't hard to deal with, but sometimes it just piles up and causes my stress level to skyrocket. Uncertainty and I don't get along very well, but since that's what IVF is all about, I guess I'm just going to have to get used to it.

The Fun Never Ends

2005-01-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

After yesterday's knee incident I thought I had experienced enough excitement for the time being. Guess not. Things got even more interesting.

Warning to Blog-oholics: Do not leave cinnamon toast in a new and unfamiliar toaster oven, even for a minute or two, while making a trip into the next room to refresh Bloglines so that you can check out the latest blog posts. This could happen:

Oh, yes. We live in an apartment, so the kitchen opens onto the living room, but nonetheless I couldn't see the toaster oven from where the laptop is set up in the living room. I trotted on over back to the kitchen only to discover smoke pouring out of the toaster oven. The next few minutes consisted of a mad dash of turning off the toaster oven, removing burnt toast from said oven, opening the windows to let smoke out while letting cold air in, and standing on a chair in order to wave the nearest object (my husband's jacket) at the smoke detector in an attempt to stop the loud shrieking noise it insisted on emitting. Oh, my. Crazy times.

This morning I woke up to a very sore knee. I expected as much, but it still wasn't fun. I got up and saw my husband off to work, fed the kitties, and got back in bed. I had barely had time to close my eyes when I started to smell a very foul odor (and no, it wasn't the leftover burnt smell still circulating the apartment). I sat up and noticed that my old lady kitty (she's 16) had apparently made a trip to the litter box without completing the job. The stink was coming from my poor cat's butt. Obviously having crap stuck to your butt would drive anyone crazy, so my cat was running around the bed like a mad woman. I tried valiantly to attend to the situation with a handful of kleenex, but she would have none of it. She much preferred to drag her ass all over the sheets, comforter, and down blanket I leave at the foot of the bed for the cats. There was cat crap everywhere, and it was not a pretty site.

I finally caught her in the living room, but by that point she had done a pretty good job of ridding herself of the problem. So, back to the bedroom I went to try to take care of the bedding situation. I cleaned up everything as well as I could, totally stripped the bed, and made a beeline for the laundry room. It's pretty funny now, but I assure you, it was not funny at the time.

So, I'm all ready for boring. This is just too much.

Um, Do You Think My Body's Trying To Tell Me Something?

2005-01-06T15:07:00.000-08:00

So, here's the deal. I'm in need of Lupron, thus I need to get myself to the pharmacy. The problem is that we still only have one car. This is not usually a problem, but this week my husband is working a bigillion hours a day, because the arbitration for the big case he's working on started back up again on Monday. For example, he got up at 5am on Tuesday to go to work. He got back home at 1am and proceeded to get back up at 5am on Wednesday to do it all again. Thankfully, the arbitration is only scheduled to go through Saturday, but that doesn't help out the car situation right now. Normally, when I need the car I just drop him off at work and pick him back up when he's done. I am not, however, doing that at 5am and 1am. So, carless I sit.

The plan was for me to walk to Target to fill my Lupron Rx. Why not just order it from a specialty infertility pharmacy and have it delivered to my door, you ask. Because Lupron is the ONE prescription that my insurance will pay for, so I have to get it from a local pharmacy. The walk to Target is about 2.5-3 miles round trip. That's not that bad considering I often times walk that far on the treadmill.

So, I was getting ready to make the hike this afternoon and opened the closet door to get a sweater. One of my kitties snuck into said closet and didn't want to come out. I squatted down to get her and felt my right knee just go. I have trouble with my knees all of the time due to the condition (chondromalacia patella) that resulted from years of ~~abuse~~ dance. This, however, was scary. I immediately fell over in pain. While being comforted by my kitty who remained in the closet, I tried to move my leg. I felt (and heard) a major pop. My knees pop a lot, but this was serious. I managed to get the cat out of the closet and myself up on my feet, but it was obvious that I was not making the trip to the pharmacy today.

I immediately put ice on it, and it's doing better, but I think I'll be avoiding the treadmill for a while. I'm pretty sure I haven't done any permanent damage, but we'll see. I can walk/hobble around the apartment now without being in major pain, so that's good. My mom happened to call shortly after the incident, and she said that my body really must not want to deal with the Lupron again.

So, who knows when I'll ever get my darn Lupron. I've still got a few days to figure that out. It's just that it seems like it's one thing after another around here. At least things aren't boring.

Getting My Butt In Gear

2005-01-05T14:02:00.000-08:00

So, I'm scheduled to start shooting up again in less than a week, but guess what? I have yet to get my drugs. It's kind of funny in contrast to my first cycle where I got all of my meds way ahead of time and had them set up and organized in the pantry way before my first injection. This time, not so much. I guess I really should get on that.

I actually have ordered my stims. I just ordered them from IVFMeds and have been impressed with them so far. I love the fact that I didn't have to actually speak to a single person in the entire ordering process. You can submit an order on their website and just upload a scanned version of your Rx. Fantastic. We'll see how long it takes for them to get here. So, between having gotten lucky in the donated drug department and ordering the rest of my stims from jolly old England, we're gonna save a bunch this cycle. That's a very good thing since one day's worth of stims this time around will average almost $300.

Now I have to get my Lupron and various other sundries. I purposely didn't order my PIO from IVFMeds, because I don't care how much it would have saved me, I'm not giving up my double dosed PIO. No siree. I really need to focus on obtaining that darn "evil in a bottle" crap since it's first up to bat. I shall get on that ASAP.

I guess if I get truly desperate I can always dig into my stash of vials left in the fridge that should have met the trash a long time ago. I know that Lupron and Gonal-F do not stay good indefinitely, but I still have my leftovers from both cycles sitting in the refrigerator. I just can't bring myself to throw them out. Same thing with my sharps containers. I've filled two and half sharps containers but have yet to bring them to my RE's office. I just can't get rid of the darn things.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll get all of my meds in time, but it's quite interesting to see how my attitude about all of this has changed from cycle to cycle. Fun stuff.

Feeling a Little Better...

2005-01-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

At least for today. Of course, being the queen of mood swings, I reserve the right to feel down in the dumps again at any point. It's hard not to feel hopeless sometimes. It's hard not to constantly wonder if this IVF stuff will ever work for us, but I'm trying not to let all of this get me down all the time.

So, mentally I'm doing better today. Physically is another story. I don't know what my deal is but I can't stop eating. I've gained a couple of pounds since my last cycle. I'm sure taking birth control pills and doing the whole holiday eating thing doesn't help the situation any. Last night I told my husband that I should take some belly pics like preggo women do. Not that I would want a permanent record of my non pregnant, yet ever growing belly, but I thought it was funny.

It's amazing to me how my outlook and attitude can change from day to day, even hour to hour. It just goes to show how emotionally draining all of this is. You can fight it all you want, but sometimes it's going to drag you down. I've come to realize that that's ok. It's ok to feel like total crap sometimes. I just have to remember that even if I don't always feel like it, that I have the strength to pick myself up and face this shit head on. Some days may require much deeper digging than others, but that's ok, too.

Having Some Serious Doubts

2005-01-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not doubting our decision to do IVF again, but I am, however, having serious doubts about whether or not this will ever work for us. I knew the odds going into this IVF business, but if you would have asked me about our chances for success before we got on this damn roller coaster, I would have said that I thought we would have a pretty good chance for success eventually. Now, I don't know. "Eventually" is fastly fading into "never gonna happen."

It's hard being left behind. I know that a lot of people aren't successful with IVF until their third or fourth or bigillionth cycle, but it's tough to watch success after success while I'm sitting in failure-land. I am happy for the people I've cycled with on message boards and people who have gone through successful IVFs in blogland while I've been at this, but it doesn't cut the sting any. I'm trying really hard not to venture into "why me" territory, but it's hard.

I could spout out example after example of "We cycled together and now I'm 20 months pregnant with twins" or "Out of everyone one posting on this thread, I'm the only one who hasn't gotten pregnant" type of situations, but it would take up this entire post. Plus, it's just pointless.

I guess I'm just having one of those hopeless days. It's hard not to when we've gotten slammed with a big fat NO from the universe time and time again. I really do wonder if it will ever be our turn. I wish so badly for that day to come, but who really knows. I sure as hell don't.

Another Year

2004-12-31T12:27:00.000-08:00

For us, the end of 2004 brings with it the end of year three of trying to conceive. I can't believe we've been at this for three years. I really can't remember what it was like during those months of believing it could actually happen easily. I'm just so far removed from that now, but I imagine that we entered 2002 with a sense of excitement and anticipation. Now we're entering 2005 with what? I don't know. It sure isn't excitement or anticipation. Maybe it's resilience and strength.

2004 was a tough year. I entered the year trying desperately to wrap my mind around the whole "no sperm" concept. We had been dealing with the diagnosis for less than two months. The beginning of the year was filled with appointments and tests. April brought my husband's testicular biopsy. I can remember being so excited when his doctor came out after the surgery to let me know that they had found sperm. I remember him saying, "Your husband will father biological children." Um, I guess that's yet to be determined.

Along came June and my husband's second surgery. We were so hopeful that it would give us the answer we'd been longing for. If the surgery had been successful we would have had a good shot at having kids the old fashioned way. However, the extent of the blockages was just too great to be able to be repaired surgically. One of the hardest parts of all of this infertility crap was having to tell my husband, while he struggled to wake up from the anesthesia, that the surgery had not worked. I just sat there next to him and cried.

After we got adjusted to the fact that IVF was our only hope at bio kids, we had our IVF consult in July. I started birth control pills for IVF #1 on August 1st. The cycle seemed to go so well until we got to September 21st, transfer day. Lo and behold, apparently my cervix is a bitch. Even after a hellish transfer we held onto hope that our "perfect" blasts would bring us to the place we had been dreaming of. It was not to be, however. November and December were occupied by our FET cycle, the results of which brought a black cloud over the holiday season.

So, here we are, about to start a new year and a new IVF cycle. It's sure been an interesting ride. I've changed a lot over the past year, some for the good and some for the not so good.

I'm not going to even pretend that the past year has been easy. It hasn't been, and quite frankly, a lot of it sucked, but I do have a lot to be thankful for. I'm so thankful that my relationship with my husband has gotten stronger throughout all of this. Dealing with infertility has brought a whole new dimension to our relationship. I'm also thankful to have met so many amazing women. How the hell would I have gotten through this year without you guys?

I've watched a lot of my friends go through unimaginable heartbreak this year, but I've also watched a ton of them experience true joy. I hope that 2005 brings us all the strength to deal with the inevitable heartbreaks and the ability to truly immerse ourselves in the joy that will hopefully shine upon us all.

One Hell of a Pick Me Up

2004-12-29T13:06:00.000-08:00

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been having a tough time lately. I've been having a very difficult time getting psyched up for round three. I'm tired of IVF. Quite honestly, I don't want to have to go through it all again. Who really wants to do IVF anyway? But I know that it will never work if we don't try again.

I discovered rather quickly that the whole "let's not speak of IVF for two weeks" thing was not going to work for me. I'm a talker. Having things pop up in my head and not being able to let them out was not a good thing. In an ideal world I would love to not have to think about IVF or talk about IVF at all, but like it or not, this is a significant part of our lives right now. It does no one any good to just pretend like it's not happening.

So, as I mentioned things have been tough. Really tough. Today, however, right when I needed it desperately, I got an awesome pick me up. I got my IVF calendar in the mail yesterday and had a few questions, so I left a message for my IVF coordinator this morning. When she called me back this afternoon she had the most wonderful news. Someone had just donated two Ovidrel trigger shots, a 450 IU Gonal-F Multidose, and a 1200 IU Gonal-F Multidose. She immediately set them aside for me. Do you know how much money that's going to save us? A lot. It's just fantastic news especially considering the fact that I'm going to be using a lot more stims this cycle.

It's amazing how just when you're feeling lower than low that something can come along and turn it all around. Sure, I'm still not looking forward to going through this crap again, but it sure is nice to have some good news for a change.

The Latest

2004-12-27T12:47:00.000-08:00

I really don't know where to start today. I'm in a weird mood. I guess I'll start with Christmas. I survived. That's about all there is to say. It wasn't very merry. In fact it was quite a sad holiday for me. I managed to get talked into going over to my parent's house in time for Christmas dinner instead of just going on Sunday. By the time Sunday afternoon had rolled around, I was so ready to get out of there that I couldn't stand it. The theme of the weekend was definitely kids. My mom talked about the great-nephews constantly, my brother and sister in law talked on and on about her nephew, and I got the updates about all the people who I know who are pregnant or who have just had kids. UGH! You would think that people could show a little restraint. Anyway, we finally made it back home last night after a hellish drive home that included sitting on the interstate for an hour waiting for a wreck to be cleared.

My IVF coordinator called this morning with the plan for round three. I'll be doing the standard Lupron protocol again, but I'll be on an increased dosage of Gonal-F. Repronex will also be thrown into the mix this time. I'll be doing the whole transfer under anesthesia thing again since that seemed to help last time. My estimated date for retrieval is February 2nd, which I had already predicted. It's pretty sad when you can write out your IVF calendar including the Lupron start date, baseline ultrasound date, stim ultrasound dates, and estimated ER and ET dates before anyone from your RE's office says a word.

It's been a very tough time emotionally in our household recently. How could it not be? It's hard to deal with this crap constantly. I took my first birth control pill for our first IVF cycle on August 1st. We've done nothing but cycle since. I don't feel a need to take a break from actually cycling, but my hubby and I have agreed on something. We will not discuss IVF for the next two weeks. There's no reason to, plus we need that mental and emotional break. We've decided to do this next cycle, but there's no reason to obsess over it, especially since we haven't even started the injectable portion of the event yet. I'll still be blogging and posting on message boards, but I think it will be nice to take the focus of our marriage off IVF if only for a little bit.

This Is Harder Than I Expected

2004-12-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

It's not like I haven't been down the failed IVF road before, but I didn't expect this time to be this hard. It wasn't initially. I had an easier time with the negative HPTs and beta this time around. Don't ask me why, but I did. The aftermath, however, is a different story.

I'm feeling like shit. I guess it's to be expected since the hell that is the post failed IVF period is currently upon me. Man, it sucks. I can't wait for it to be over. I'm sure the fact that I'm eating ice cream all day long isn't helping things either. I've been working out every day this week, but I'm sure it's not enough to combat the amount of ice cream that has entered my body.

Besides feeling like crap physically, I'm having a tough time emotionally. I'm sure part of that has to do with the fact that all of this is happening pre-Christmas. It's not a particularly good time to go through this, but I guess there never really is.

It's harder this time because I'm staring down the road at another fresh cycle. Last time I knew that we could do a FET with our frozen embryos. Not that a FET is a walk in the park, especially when Lupron's involved, but this is different. It's just so much more expensive. The financial part of all of this is tough. It's tough to spend that kind of money when you know perfectly well that you may have nothing other than a broken heart to show for it.

I hate that I'm feeling bitter, but I am. It hurts to read about all of the recent pregnancies out there. Not that I'm not happy for all of my friends in blogland and on message boards, but it's just another reminder that it's not me. I don't want to be jealous when I see moms out walking with their little ones in strollers or get pissed when I get those Christmas family photos in the mail, but I just can't help it.

I'm really not looking forward to going to my parent's house on Sunday. It's going to be so hard to see the rugrats (ie. my parent's great-nephews) reveling in the whole Christmas thing. It's also hard, because as much as my family loves me, they just don't get it. How could they? They haven't been through this IVF hell. I know that no effort will be made to keep the focus anywhere but on the little guys. That's just how it always is, and it's going to be especially tough this trip.

I know that I will survive Christmas. I know that I will survive this next IVF, but damn it, this is so fucking hard.

"It's a Menstrual Miracle"

2004-12-22T08:48:00.000-08:00

Those were the exact words that I uttered to my husband this morning. My period finally showed, taking a mere 7.5 days after my last PIO injection. I have directed the period fairy to make a beeline for those in need, but I don't think she takes directions well. I did my best, girls.

So, I get to start birth control pills on Christmas Eve. What a fantastic Christmas present. Speaking of presents, I am so not into all of that this year. I have no desire to do the whole gift opening thing. Santa screwed me over on the only thing I wanted, so what's the point. Yesterday my brother called me to ask what my husband and I wanted or needed for Christmas (leave it to the men to wait til the last minute). My reply was, "Either 15K or a baby, whichever you come across first." Not so tactful an answer, but what the hell.

At least I get to start preparing for round three instead of constantly looking back on this failed cycle. It's a small consolation, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

Has Anyone Seen My Period?

2004-12-21T06:14:00.000-08:00

Seriously. The darn thing is missing. My last PIO injection was Tuesday night. That's right, a week ago. After my fresh cycle, I got my period four days after my last PIO. Obviously that didn't happen this time. I'm definitely ready for it to show up. Until then I am still in the midst of this failed cycle. Once it shows, I can start birth control pills on day 3 and get started on this next cycle.

Speaking of PIOs, my left glute is still tremendously sore. I can't lay on that side. I can't lean up against anything with that side. Hell, I can't even touch that side. I figure things will finally settle down in the soreness department just in time to start the darn PIO torture once again.

So, I guess I'm in limbo, both cycle wise and Christmas wise. I'm still not totally sure what to do about the whole Christmas situation, but I guess we've come up with what's going to happen. We're going to stay in town for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and just enjoy each other's company. No Christmasy stuff, just hanging out. We'll then go to my parent's the day after Christmas for a few hours. It's only a 2.5 hour drive each way, so it won't be too bad. I really don't even want to make the trip at all, but I know that would cause all kind of trouble. So, we'll bubble wrap our hearts and make the trip. It's definitely not what I would have chosen to do for Christmas, but then again I wouldn't have chosen to have my heart broken, either.

Conflicted

2004-12-18T11:02:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to do about Christmas. I really feel the need to escape for a little while, but it seems that going to California is out. Even if we could find decent flights at this late date, and even if we could convince the inlaws to pay for them, my husband can't take off enough time from work to make flying across the country worthwhile. We've thought about just going somewhere within driving distance, but I can't think of anywhere I'd want to go near here. Plus, there's always the $ factor. Going somewhere on our own would entail opening up our own checkbook, and since we're trying to save up another bigillion dollars for this next fresh cycle it's hard to justify the expense.

So, it looks like our choices are to either lock ourselves in the apartment and pretend that Christmas doesn't exist this year or to go spend a little time with my family. I would like to spend time with my family, but there's one problem. I'm not sure I can handle the constant reminder of the unfairness of our infertility that comes with seeing my parent's great-nephews. I know for sure that I wouldn't be able to handle the whole present opening thing. I know that I'd be mourning the fact that I should have a little one enjoying the whole experience this year.

One of the reasons I really wanted to go to CA to spend time with my husband's family is that there would be zero focus whatsoever on kids. There would be no kids there, no one would be talking about kids, etc. I'm just in a fragile place right now. I need to protect my heart.

So, do we go visit my family and try as best as possible to wrap our hearts up in bubble wrap before we leave? Or do we just stay here? I don't know. Christmas is my favorite time of year. I feel like if I avoid it all together then the infertility wins. I think missing out on all the Christmasy stuff will make me feel worse. The dilemma lies in where to go to experience all of that Christmas stuff. We don't have a tree or any other decorations. Once again, trying to pinch pennies. I know my family would love to have us spend time with them and would be upset if we didn't, but I really don't know if I can handle the kiddos. Well, I guess I could handle them, it's just that the focus of everything would be on them and not the family as a whole. I really do want to go to CA, but I don't think it's possible. Ugh. Decisions, decisions. Hopefully we'll figure something out.

Eyeing the Valium

2004-12-17T15:42:00.000-08:00

I feel like crap. My hormones are crashing, and I'm experiencing some hard core PMS. Thankfully there's a Valium hiding within my IVF drug stash begging to be taken. You see, since I had my transfer done under anesthesia this time I couldn't take the Valium. This is very convenient for the aftermath of the BFN. The Valium didn't do much for me during my first transfer, but hopefully it will take the edge off of my cramps from hell and overall shitty mood. We shall see.

Bad Mama

2004-12-17T09:38:00.000-08:00

I did my best to make sure my husband had a good birthday despite the circumstances of the week. I did numerous things to help celebrate his bday, one of which was to buy "Happy Birthday" balloons and display them around the apartment. Sounded like a good idea at the time. At the end of the day I popped all of the balloons and threw all of the pieces into the trash. At least I thought I did.

Last night it became obvious that someone had had some fun in the litter box. I had seen Salvador go into the kitty bathroom (yes, our cats have their own bathroom) and apparently he did not do the best burying job in the world as evidenced by the stench flowing down the hallway. I went to go attend to the situation when I noticed a bright orange poop in the litter box. What the hell? Upon further investigation, I discovered that there was a big piece of orange balloon along with a smaller piece of blue balloon in my cat's poop.

Talk about a serious guilt trip. I felt like the worst kitty mama in the world. I guess I dropped a couple of pieces of balloon on the way to the trash and my crazy cat felt the need to eat them. I'm just glad they came out the other end. We do not need another thousand dollar vet bill right now.

While feeling like total crap for allowing this to happen I told my husband, "This is why we can't have kids. I would end up killing them." I don't really believe that, but man, I felt like such a bad mom. Salvador has already forgiven me, though. What would I do without my furballs? Not only are they a source of constant entertainment, they are the best buddies.

I have learned my lesson. We've added balloons to the list of things that are not allowed in the apartment. I guess the fun never ends.

0-2

2004-12-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

It's official. My beta was negative. Again. Fuck. I knew it was coming, but it still sucks so damn much.

We've still got some fight left in us, though. I'll be starting birth control pills again once my period shows up in order to do another fresh cycle. Is this what I hoped for when I started on this IVF roller coaster? Hell no, but I'm not ready to move on. We're not ready to move on. We've got to try again. Sure, my checkbook is trembling away, my body is dreading the torture, and my heart is so fragile after being broken yet again, but I just can't give up right now.

So, it looks like the IVF saga of Manana Banana will have at least one more chapter. Who knows if or when it will ever have a happy ending, but the hope that it might one day is enough for me to keep trying, at least one more time.

I want to thank all of you, my blogging friends, for your kind words. Knowing that a lot you guys have been through this and so much more helps to remind me that I have the strength to keep going, too. Thanks for the inspiration.

28 Years Ago Today...

2004-12-14T11:31:00.000-08:00

My husband was born. I am so thankful, because I cannot imagine my life without him. I can't predict how all of this IF/IVF crap will eventually turn out. Maybe we'll get lucky next time. Maybe we won't. Maybe we'll decide that adoption is the right choice for us. Maybe we won't. There are a lot of maybes in our future, but one thing is absolute. I know that no matter what happens in the future, I will face it hand in hand with my husband. We are a rock solid team that nothing, not even the biggest challenge of our lives, will ever weaken. I know that I will be able to face anything as long as I have my husband by my side, and I have no doubt that there's no other place he will ever be. I love you with all of my heart, Dan. Thank you for being my rock through all of this. I couldn't have made it without you.

Fuck You Fortune Cookie

2004-12-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

Saturday my husband and I went out for Chinese. When we were done eating I opened up my fortune cookie and found the following fortune:

Your trouble will cease & fortune will smile upon you.

I was so excited. I just knew it had to be a sign. I even saved the damn thing. I never save those things.

Well, I broke out the FREDs yesterday morning, and you guessed it, I had one fucking line staring back at me yet again. I guess you must have to ask for the special two lined version from the back of the store or something, because I keep getting the not so good one lined ones. I tested again this morning (10dp5dt) and of course it was negative again. I didn't expect anything different.

I didn't blog about this yesterday, because I really couldn't here stuff like "You never really know until beta." Trust me, if I haven't gotten a positive by this point, I'm not going to. I've walked this road before. But, I decided I owed it to all my blogging friends who have been there for me through all of this and to myself to get all this out there.

I know that rarely in similar circumstances there are miracles that occur. I've heard of the people who never got a positive HPT even after their positive beta, and I've heard of the people who started out with a super low beta and are holding their little ones right now. That kind of stuff doesn't happen to me, though.

I really don't get why we're so unlucky. We've transferred five excellent quality blasts (2 last time and 3 this time) with nothing to show for it. We've put ourselves through so much and nada.

So, it's out there now. I'm going to ask you guys a favor if you don't mind. Please don't get my hopes up. I have zero hope for this cycle, and that's how it needs to be. It makes for a softer landing. I will go in for my beta on Wednesday even though I know I'm not going to like the resulting phone call. I'm not asking for you to give up hope. I know how much harder it is to give up hope for someone else than it is for yourself. At least it always is for me. So, hope all you want, just keep it a secret from me, ok? I really do love you guys for hoping when I can't, but I'm already starting to accept the outcome of this cycle, and I need not to backtrack in that process. I need to start healing and start moving on.

I really am pissed at that damn fortune. I think I'm going to burn it.

Flip Flopping

2004-12-10T15:39:00.000-08:00

I'm suffering from a major case of "I want to know right now/I never want to know" syndrome. One minute I think it's going to take a safe or something to keep me from the HPTs, and the next minute I'm ready to throw them out. I really do want to know if this worked. I just don't want to find out that it didn't.

I'm just really afraid to get that negative again. I'm afraid to feel that sad again. I'm afraid of the thought of doing IVF yet again.

There's seems to be a lot of people getting pregnant all around me right now, in the blogworld, the message board world, the "real" world. I guess some people would look at that as a good sign, but I'm having trouble doing that. All I can think is that there's no way that luck will continue for me.

This is hard. It doesn't help that I'm jacked up on hormones. I guess one of these days I'm going to have to face the music and find out my fate. The thought of another failure is looming over me big time, but that teeny tiny voice inside me that pops up every great once in a while to remind me that there is a chance, even if it's a small one, that this could have worked is enough to get me to face this head on.

6 Days Down, 6 Days to Go

2004-12-08T22:14:00.000-08:00

I've survived half of the wait between transfer and beta, but I know the second half will be much tougher. I'm starting to get a little antsy. I just want to know. Is that really too much to ask? I had fleeting moments of hope during the first few days following transfer, but not so much now. I want this to work so badly, but really what are the chances? Statistically we know that they're not fabulous. Less than 50% to be sure, but that's not taking into account the luck factor. You can add a big fat zero to that part of the equation. That's got to bring down our odds significantly.

I've been feeling like total crap the past few days. I wanted to blog yesterday, but I just couldn't. I kept having to go lay down throughout the day. This progesterone is really kicking my ass. This big FET worthy dose of PIO is just bringing me down. I'm so beyond tired that's it's unbelievable.

Of course I'm all up for feeling like total crap if it means anything, but we all know that "symptoms" during the two week wait are total bullshit. I hate not being able to trust my body.

Last night my husband and I had a quick HPT conversation that went a little like this:
Him: "So, when are you breaking out the FREDs?"
Me: "Wednesday."
Him: "Today's Wednesday."
Me: "Next Wednesday. Beta day."
Him: *confused look crosses over face*
Me: "I'm not telling you, because I don't want to ruin your birthday." (His bday is next Tuesday.)
Him: "Do you really think you'll be able to test without me being able to tell how it went?"

I guess he's got a point. I'm definitely not waiting until beta day. I need some time to prepare for that. It sucks, though, that I could very well be bringing a huge damper on the whole birthday situation. I mean, who wants to celebrate a birthday when you've just received horrible news. I guess I could look at the flipside, but that's hard for me to imagine. Who knows when I'll be breaking out the HPTs, and who knows whether they'll make for one hell of a birthday present or not. I sure wish I knew.

Where's the Fun One?

2004-12-06T13:32:00.000-08:00

Now that I've been on PIO for a full week, the side effects are kicking into high gear. I'm experiencing most of the same ones as last time (sleepiness, excessive hunger, cramping, peeing at all hours of the day) but for some reason I'm missing out on my favorite from last cycle: boobs. That was the only side effect I thought was fun, and somehow it's just not happening this time.

My nose seems to be getting a little bit better, both in terms of frequency of incidence and intensity of pain. I'll be glad when it decides to stop it all together.

What's Up With My Nose?

2004-12-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

I seem to be experiencing some weird side effect. My nostril/nasal passage, or whatever you want to call it, is driving me crazy. I'm having intermittent pain just on the right side. It's like a weird burning sensation. I thought that it could be from the anesthesia, since it started during the ride home from my transfer. I'm not sure that theory holds, however, because it's still happening. Maybe it's from the Medrol or something. Who knows. All I know is that it better stop soon. I really have no idea why I always seemed blessed with a plethora of side effects. I also had some spotting on Friday and a little yesterday. My RE said to expect that, though, because of all of the poking and prodding that was required to get my cervix to cooperate.

I started my double dosed PIO on Friday night. Man, that's a lot to inject. Not only is this more likely to make me extremely sore, the shot itself is a lot worse. The only way I've been getting through them is to sing while my husband injects the oil into my flesh. I know, I'm weird. I either sing a Christmas song. Yep, I'm a Christmas geek. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, although it's yet to be seen whether or not this Christmas will be holly and jolly. Anyway, I either do that or sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Now, before you think I've totally gone off my rocker, I got that from Heathers. I watched that movie so many time during my high school years that I knew all of the lines. There's a scene in that movie where Winona Ryder is sitting in her car in the school parking lot while Christian Slater is telling her something she doesn't want to hear. I can't remember exactly, but probably that he killed the gay football players or something of that nature. So, Winona, aka Heather, puts her hands on her ears and starts to sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb." I do that, too, from time to time when I'm trying to block out something.

While I'm on the PIO tangent, I'm going to throw out my PIO PSA. I've said this before on my blog, but I think it was in the comments section. A lot of people are prescribed the 50mg/mL version of PIO. Well, it also comes in a 100mg/mL variety which obviously means that you can inject half the amount of oil while getting the same amount of progesterone. I'm sure a lot of people know this, but if I can save even one IVFer's ass then I feel it's worth mentioning again.

So, two days down, ten more to go. I'm not going crazy yet, but I'm sure I will be before too long. I went out and bought the most essential two week wait item today: FREDs. I won't be testing for at least a week, but it's good to know they're here when I need them. One good thing about doing a FET is that you don't have to worry about the whole trigger/false positive thing. So, I'll definitely be breaking out the FREDs at some point.

Hallelujah

2004-12-03T12:19:00.000-08:00

Before I get to the full report, I just want to thank everyone for their kind comments and good thoughts on my behalf. You guys are the best.

Now, for the nitty gritty. My FET went much better than I expected. Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. (I digress. I guess I'm just in a good mood.) Anyway, no one ever called to tell me that our embryos had arrested, so off my husband and I went to my RE's office this morning. Once we got there and paid the extra $500 for the anesthesiologist, we were taken back. The first thing I said to the nurse was, "I'm assuming that since you're giving me this nice getup to change into that at least one of our embryos survived the thaw." She replied that she didn't know the details but assured me that we had something to transfer.

After I got into my lovely gown, hat, and booties I got to go into the prep room. Apparently the blood pressure machine thought I was dead, because it kept getting extremely low readings. I then asked my IVF coordinator if she had good news for me, and she went to check with the embryologist. She came back and reported that all three of our blasts had survived the thaw and that none of them had decreased in terms of grading. All three were still grade 5 (the highest). Music to my ears, I tell ya.

The anesthesiologist finally showed up and proceeded to torture me. Apparently he picked the same vein as the previous anesthesiologist had for my ER back in September. The wall of the vein was very thick, and he tremendous trouble getting that darn IV in. Talk about being ouch worthy. I think I managed to only cuss a couple of times, though. That was finally finished, and we were all ready to head into the transfer room. At the very last minute we were told that my husband was not going to be allowed in even though I had previously been told that he would. Of course being the hormonally ramped up girl that I am, I started crying. I really wanted him to be able to see the embryos go in even if I couldn't. I think mostly I was upset because they hit us with it at the last moment.

I gave my hubby a hug and a kiss and headed into the transfer room. I had the nurse check my lining really quickly before the anesthesiologist started his thing, and it looked good. Then I was out. I don't remember a thing about the ET, but that's probably a good thing. I got the full report after I had come to a little bit. My RE tried several different catheters, but my cervix was being a major pain just like last time, so she dilated my cervix. She also had to fill up my bladder since I wasn't allowed to eat or drink past midnight. The oh so fun tenaculum was involved in there somewhere, and once I was dilated she was able to get the hard catheter in and slip the soft catheter containing the embryos right on in there with no problem. So, I had three beautiful blasts transferred.

I can't even begin to describe how relieved I feel right now. I am so glad that all of our blasts survived the thaw and so glad that my transfer was not nearly as traumatic as last time. I'm thrilled that the catheter containing our embryos was only inserted once this time. The fact that it was inserted and removed multiple times during our last transfer still haunts me. So, I guess I could not have asked for a better day. My beta is scheduled for 12/15. Only 12 more days to obsess about this cycle. I know that the result may be no different from last time, but I feel so much better about how things went this time around. That's gotta count for something.

Can Someone Just Please Knock Me Out?

2004-12-03T04:58:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep. I've been awake since 5:30, and that was after a very restless night's sleep. The alarm isn't going off for another hour, but I couldn't stand to just lie in bed anymore. So, I decided to take some solace in my beloved internet.

I am so nervous about today. I keep wondering when exactly they would call me if none of our embryos survived the thaw. I doubt it would be this early. The waiting is excruciating.

I think it's quite ironic that I received my first piece of spam email in my gmail account today. Oh, I get plenty of spam in my other accounts, but so far I had eluded the spammers with my gmail account. Want to know the title of the email? "Save on your Vicodin now." The text of the email included: "You need Vicodin? No need to wait any longer!" My first thought was, "Yes, please. Can I have some right this instant?" I am beyond thankful that I will be getting some good IV drugs today. Well, that's assuming that our embryos make it to transfer.

You know what's sad? It's really sad that anytime I type "IV" I end up typing "IVF" and have to delete the "F." Anyway, I'm going to go try to keep occupied on the internet until the alarm finally goes off. I hope my next post is a tad more cheerful.

Experiment Gone Awry

2004-12-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

I decided to ice before my PIO injection last night. It had been suggested to me by several different people, and even though I knew it could make things worse instead of better, I tried it. Big mistake. I'm doubly sore today- the "I can't cross my legs" and "don't you dare touch me" kind of sore. I knew that icing could make it harder for the oil to absorb even if I heated after the shot, but I figured it was worth a try. I know it works for some people, but let's just say I won't be trying that again anytime soon.

I can't believe tomorrow is almost here. This FET will have lasted 7 weeks and 6 days not including the two week wait. Many times it seemed like tomorrow would never come. I'm glad to have made it this far, but I am so nervous about tomorrow. I'm much more nervous than I was for my fresh cycle for numerous reasons. Last time I knew that I would have something to transfer based on the reports from the embryologist. This time we will not find out how many of our embryos survived the thaw until we get there. Last time I had no worries going into transfer about how difficult it would be. This time, even though I'm thankfully going to be sedated, I'm worried about how another difficult transfer might affect our embryo(s) (assuming we have some to transfer). Last time I knew that if the cycled failed we would have a FET to fall back on. This time there are no backups.

I know I will survive no matter how tomorrow plays out, but I'm really hoping for a no drama type of day. Smooth sailing would be a welcome change.

At Least It's Even

2004-12-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

Well, I've now survived my first two PIO injections of this cycle, so now at least my soreness is even. I've given thought to just using one side to do all of the PIOs so I would at least have one non-sore side, but I figured I'd probably end up dragging one leg behind me all the time if I took that route. I really don't know what my deal is with the soreness. I do all the PIO tricks, but they don't really help. Well, I guess I don't know that. I guess it could be even worse if I didn't do the heating, massaging, etc. It's ok, though. After last weeks lining issue, I'm just glad to have made it to this point. Now ask me again in a couple days after I've doubled my dose, and I might have a different outlook on all of this.

I'm starting to get really nervous about the thaw rate. I can't even imagine going through all of this and then having nothing to transfer. I'm also nervous about my transfer. Assuming at least one of our blasts survives the thaw, then my body will have to be tortured once again during transfer. At least I'll be sedated. Hopefully heavily. It still concerns me, though, because very difficult transfers tend to result in lower success rates. I only have two more days to worry, though, so that's a good thing.

Oh, and I have a technical note to throw out there. A couple of people have let me know that they could not comment on my last post. I tried it, and it let me, but who knows what's up with Blogger. Hopefully the problem is solved, because hearing from you wonderful women keeps me sane.

Even Scrooge Can Have a Good Day

2004-11-29T14:00:00.001-08:00

I have to admit I was tremendously grumpy and cranky during my family visit over the Thanksgiving holiday. I realized that I am feeling bitter a lot these days. I really didn't feel like feeling all thankful and stuff this weekend (although I am keenly aware of all that I have to be thankful for). I'm tired, both physically and emotionally, of all this IVF crap. I really wasn't up to hearing my brother complain about some tiny dentist bill while I sat there and mentally tallied up all that we've spent this year in the medical bill department and worried about repeating the same next year. I also wasn't up for the 24/7 reminder that people who shouldn't have kids do all the time that came with spending the holiday surrounded by my parent's great-nephews (although they sure are a couple of cuties). It was good to spend time with my family, but it was a tough holiday.

Today, however, I have shed my grumpiness. My lining measured 8.9mm at my ultrasound this morning. Yay! I didn't even care that I had to wait a year and a day to get called back. After my ultrasound I talked to my IVF coordinator about when my FET would be. Originally she said that they had scheduled it for next Monday, because apparently the lab doesn't handle the FET stuff on the weekends. I'm really getting impatient these days, so I asked if I could just start my PIO today so we could do my ET on Friday. She left to check with the lab, and when she came back she said, "You got it." So, my ET is scheduled for Friday at 10am. I'm done with the Lupron (hurray!) and start PIO tonight. I even got her to prescribe me some antibiotics so I don't have to be paranoid about that situation. I am so glad that my lining decided to get itself in gear over the weekend. Now I can spend my time worrying about the next hurdle: having our embryos survive the thaw.

Shit

2004-11-24T11:43:00.000-08:00

My lining was only at 6 mm. It had to be 8. It had that lovely triple stripe thing going on, but it doesn't matter because it was only 6. So, I have to continue on with the Estrace and Lupron and go back on Monday for another ultrasound. Best case scenario: my lining just needs some extra time and will be at least 8 mm by Monday, and my transfer will just be delayed five days. Worst case: I'm headed for the dreaded "C-word" ie. cancellation. I'm really not in the best of moods following this news, but hopefully my lining will get itself into gear and thicken up over the holiday weekend. It sure as hell better.

Standing My Ground

2004-11-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

As I've blogged about before, my husband and I have decided not to attend the big extended family Thanksgiving gathering this year. I told my mom a while back and thought I made myself clear about the whole situation. Well, when I talked to her on Sunday she asked, "Are you sure you won't be going?" The question was asked in such a way that it was obvious that she was pulling the guilt trip thing on me. I wasn't giving in this time, though. I replied, "Yes, I'm sure. It's just too much this year." I'm sorry, but the guilt thing is just not going to work this time. For once, I'm being selfish and protecting myself. I do feel a tad guilty, though. Not because of my mom, but because my husband will miss out on the Thanksgiving food that he finds so yummy. I could care less. I'm not really a fan of cranberry sauce, stuffing, pies, and such, but I know my husband's a big fan of Turkey Day food. He's reassured me, though, that he's more than fine with the decision.

My brother emailed me today. He and his wife are bringing their beagle, Tucker, with them. He asked if I would mind walking the dog if we get to my parents house before the rest of the clan are back from the big shindig. I emailed him back to let him know that I wouldn't mind. I then received a two page reply containing detailed instructions on how to walk Tucker including such items like how to clip the leash to the collar, what words I'm supposed to use before putting the leash on and while out on the walk, how to prevent Tucker from "walking" me instead of the other way around, how to give him a treat afterwards, what to do if he jumps on me, etc., etc. Holy crap. I'm just going to be taking the dog for a walk. Do I really need a two page manual on how to do that?

I really am looking forward to spending time with my family. I haven't seen my two brothers in quite some time. It's going to be interesting, though.

****************************
On a totally different note, my paranoia is striking again. My RE does not prescribe antibiotics for FET cycles. It makes me nervous because I know a lot of people take them. I know one reason they're prescribed is to prevent infection during ET, and since my ET could very likely involve jamming catheter upon catheter into my cervix, I've been wondering if I should ask to have some prescribed. So, for all of you experienced FETers, what do you think? Did you use antibiotics in your protocol and do you think I should ask about them?

Is It Wednesday Yet?

2004-11-22T12:32:00.000-08:00

I'm really not a patient person. I get very frustrated when I have to wait for something. This FET has been nothing but waiting, so I get antsy from time to time. My FET has been very similar to my fresh cycle in many ways, but there's one difference that drives me crazy- monitoring. There's virtually no monitoring in a FET. In a fresh cycle you get almost daily updates on how things are going in there. With a FET you get nada. I have no idea if my lining is doing what it's supposed to. I really hope it's cooperating but there's no way to know until my date with the dildocam on Wednesday morning.

This waiting leads to a bit of paranoia for me. I'm a paranoid person to begin with, so it's no surprise, but it's still annoying. I'm the kind of person who has to double check that the door is locked and triple check that the oven is off. My worst habit is turning around to look at the apartment door to make sure no kitties have escaped to the outside world. I'll literally turn around and look at the door 3-5 times while walking into the parking garage or down the stairs. I have good reason, but it's still really OCD like behavior. When we lived in South Bend, Salvador managed to escape one time. I don't know how we didn't see him, but he went right through the door as we were coming in one day. Luckily the door to the apartment we lived in didn't open right outside but to a common area shared by four apartments, so he wasn't really outside. He finally scratched on the door loud enough for us to rescue him, but I think I was scarred for life from that point on. He, of course, was fine.

Anyway, back to the point. I had some Estrace left over from my fresh cycle that I had bought from Freedom Drug. For this FET I used that up first and then started on the Estrace I had gotten from the Target pharmacy. The pills are from different manufacturers and thus look different. I somehow convinced myself that the pills from Target were not really Estrace. I really thought that my cycle was doomed, because I was taking something other than Estrace. To be fair, I had a tiny reason to think this. When you fill a prescription at Target they give you a printout with various information including what the pill should look like. The description on my paper was different from what was in my prescription bottle. I called the pharmacy, and they double checked the main bottle and said it was correct. Nonetheless, this planted the seed for my later run in with craziness. My hubby came to my rescue, though. He found a picture on the internet of what the Estrace from that manufacturer should look like and calmed my paranoid fears. I now am focusing on something else to be paranoid over- whether or not our embryos will survive the thaw. There's always something, isn't there?

So, basically I'm going crazy from having to wait and wait some more. I'm really glad I'm in the home stretch now. Of course, even if I finally make it to transfer I'll have to endure the dreaded two week wait.

Disclaimer: I fully admit that I am kooky, but I am not stressed out. So, no one use that darn "relax" word in the comment section, k?

It's a Miracle

2004-11-19T15:30:00.000-08:00

My husband is on his way home from work right now and will not be going back until Tuesday the 30th. He's actually taking a vacation, and he so deserves it. He'd been thinking about taking a few extra days off in addition to the two days he gets off for Thanksgiving, and it turns out that he's actually going to be able to do it. The timing worked out really well. He called someone in the HR department to check on how many vacation days he has left, and he was told that it would probably be a good idea to take some time off. He's been working at the firm since September of last year and has only taken three days of vacation. He can only roll over a certain number of vacation hours to next year, so he has a couple of days that he'll lose if he doesn't get out of the office.

This is a really good time for him to take time off. He's been working so much lately that he really needs a break. Plus, it will work out well with the whole FET thing. He'll be able to come with me to my ultrasound on Wednesday (he's never been to one of those) and will be able to be away from work the entire day of my transfer (assuming everything goes as planned). This will be much better than last time when he had to run off to another state for a clerkship interview the day of my transfer. So, I get a week and a half of husband time. I couldn't be more excited.

This Should Be Interesting

2004-11-18T11:00:00.000-08:00

I grew up in a pretty small house. Not tiny, but not large either. Our house had three small bedrooms, one tiny bathroom, a living room, and a kitchen/dining room. It was sufficient for the five of us, but it's not like there was room to spare. My brothers shared a bedroom until I went off to college. I'm sure they enjoyed that. Having to share one bathroom was always a source of contention, especially when the three of us were teenagers.

Now that my brother and I have spouses, holiday time leads to an even more crowded situation in my parent's house. The house will be even more packed this Thanksgiving. Imagine nine people sharing one bathroom. Oh, my. Somehow my parents, their two great nephews (who my parents now have custody of,) my brother and his wife, my other brother, my husband, and myself will all have to find a way to manage with only one bathroom for a few days. Should be interesting.

The sleeping arrangements get kind of tricky, too. My parents will of course sleep in their bedroom, and the two munchkins share a bedroom. That leaves one guest room and the living room. My husband and I have dibs on the guest bedroom, one of the perks of being the oldest. Plus, if anyone were to give me flack on that this year, I'd just play the IVF card. You know, "I really need to sleep somewhere comfortable, because I'm injecting my butt with an inch and a half needle every night." Not that the guest bed is that comfy, but I'm all about having a little privacy. My single brother will get the couch, but that leaves my other brother and his wife. I think they might end up sleeping on an aero bed in the middle of the living room floor. It would make sense for someone to get a hotel room, but my siblings and I are too cheap to pay for a place to stay when we could stay at my parent's house for free.

So, it will be an experience. I'm sure it will be fine as long as we don't have a repeat of the Thanksgiving where we all ended up with food poisoning.

Yay!

2004-11-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

It's a little after 6:00, and my husband is home. I honestly can't remember the last time he was home this early. We actually get to eat dinner together tonight. Amazing. The arbitration for the case that he is working on was scheduled to go through Saturday. However, the other side petitioned the arbitration panel for more time, and they granted it. So, now they will not reconvene until January 3rd. It's good in that he actually gets to stop working all hours of the day and night but bad in the sense that it's not over. Now it's dragged out into next year, but I don't care right now cause my hubby's home. (Although he's currently in the bedroom playing on the PS2. At least we're in the same zip code right now.) He's still got to work a ton, but at least he'll be home for dinner every now and then.

Salvador is continuing to get better. He's eating and drinking completely on his own now, and his personality is starting to shine through again. He's back to playing with milk rings, tormenting his sister, and helping with everything around the house. It's frustrating that we don't really know what was wrong with him. The more that I research online though, the more that I suspect we're dealing with pancreatitis. It's hard to diagnose, and there's no real treatment or cure. I have read that feeding your pet a low fat diet can help prevent future episodes, so I think we're going to have to try to find a low fat cat food that the furballs will tolerate.

So, things are looking up. Salvador's getting better every day, and my husband's big case is on hiatus. Now if we can just get this baby making thing figured out, I'll be over the moon.

The Two Week Wait

2004-11-15T10:57:00.000-08:00

Of course the most notorious two week wait in an IVF cycle is the time between embryo transfer and the all important beta. However, I'm finding myself splitting this FET into a bunch of different two week waits. First there was the 2ww between starting Lupron and my baseline ultrasound. Then came the two weeks between starting Estrace and my lining check ultrasound (almost half way through this one). Today is the beginning of another 2ww. Assuming my lining's doing what it's supposed to, my transfer will be two weeks from today.

I guess it just helps to break this very long protocol into smaller, more manageable chunks of time. There have been several points along the way where I didn't think I could make it through all of this. It doesn't help that my FET protocol is over 7 weeks long from first birth control pill to transfer. I have to assume that since I made it through last week, which was literally one of the longest weeks ever, I can make it through the next 2 weeks. I'm actually feeling hopeful today. Not in the "I know this is going to work" sense but in the "I think I just might make it through this" sense.

After thinking about all of these two week waits that make up this FET in my mind, I've found that there's one missing. The one that I've never experienced before: the 2ww between positive beta and ultrasound. I don't know if I can wrap my brain around that one enough to actually think it could happen to me. Oh, how I wish it would, though.

Tears of Relief

2004-11-12T09:11:00.000-08:00

My little furry guy is doing better. (knock on wood) He hasn't thrown up since yesterday at noon, and he has started showing some interest in food and water. Last night when he ate half a treat and then later when he drank some water from a dripping bathtub faucet the tears began flowing. I really wasn't sure if he was going to make it this time. Just seeing signs that he was improving was enough to get me bawling. This morning he ate a little canned food and drank some water out of a glass. (My cats have water bowls but much prefer drinking out of people glasses.) I can't even begin to describe how relieved I feel right now. I know we still have a ways to go, though. It's tough to get a cat eating and drinking regularly after they've gone so long without doing either. It's frustrating to know that we really don't know what was wrong with him and so don't know how to prevent this from happening again, but my focus right now is on getting him all better.

On a different note, I think I need to set up some kind of timer or alarm or something for my Estrace. I'm having a tough time remembering to pop my pills. It's a lot easier for me to remember having to stick myself with a needle, not that I'm wishing that Estrace came in injectable form.

So, things are looking up a bit. My kitty is doing better, and I'm feeling a little better physically now that my estrogen levels are on the rise. Now if my husband's case would just settle, we'd be set.

Disillusioned

2004-11-11T09:25:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to think that I should have gone to medical school. After seeing Gross Anatomy in middle school I was sure that I wanted to become a doctor. I think a couple of things stopped me from pursuing that: I've always been squeamish around blood and especially needles, and more importantly, what I've always really wanted to do was become a mom of the stay at home variety. It's kind of ironic that I've had to get over the whole blood/needle phobia in my quest to become a mother.

Anyway, my point is that I would really prefer to not have to rely on doctors so much. When I first started up with my RE, I really liked her. Now not so much. Part of that stems from the whole no mock transfer/transfer from hell situation, but it goes beyond that. She's failed to help me. The same can be said about our vet. I really like her as a person, but I'm starting to doubt how much I like the whole veterinarian practice there. They haven't helped my little guy get better.

It's like you have so much hope that these doctors, who are viewed as so intelligent and all-knowing, will help you, will fix you, and then they don't. I know they're just people, but somehow I've hoped that they would be more, that they'd be able to work miracles or something. I don't know. I guess I just don't have as much faith in all of it.

Salvador is home. I picked him up yesterday afternoon. He is very glad to be back here, but he is not doing any better. He's still throwing up bile and refusing to eat. I called the vet again this morning to discuss our options. I really want to give him more time at home. It's obvious that nothing they've done there has really helped him. I know he's more comfortable here, and hopefully I can get him feeling better at home. I tried to think of what the vet had done last time that she hadn't done this time. The only thing I could think of was giving him antibiotics, so I asked her about starting him on those. I also wanted to give him some subq fluids at home, so he won't get dehydrated. So, I picked up the antibiotic and the supplies for giving him fluids from the vet's office this morning. I guess that's one benefit of having to shoot up daily for IVF. There's no way I would have felt comfortable sticking my cat with a needle pre IVF. So, we'll just wait and see how he does. I really hope he gets better soon. I don't want to have to bring him back to the kitty hospital, but will if I have to.

When I went to pick up the supplies the vet asked if I was comfortable giving him the subq fluids at home. I replied that my husband and I both have experience with sticking me with needles. She of course asked why, and I explained that we were doing IVF. I don't have a problem with people knowing that, especially people that I know won't require frequent updates on the situation. And then I got it, the "relax and it will happen" story. She told me how her mom had dealt with infertility for a long time and then got pregnant immediately after signing the adoption papers. She went on to talk about how infertility can sometimes be psychological. Don't worry, I set her straight. I went on to explain the physical cause of our infertility. She was very nice about the whole situation, but it just amazes me how many people are stuck on these ignorant, uninformed notions about infertility.

So, I guess as much as I try to avoid people and the world at times, dealing with people lately has made it very apparent to me that my viewpoint has shifted a lot. Infertility and the medical treatment that comes with that has changed how I look at a lot of things, doctors included.

Good News and Bad News

2004-11-10T11:46:00.000-08:00

The good news is that my baseline ultrasound went well. My lining was thin, and I had no cysts, so I've started Estrace. I go back again in two weeks for a lining check.

The bad news is that my kitty isn't any better. I called the vet after my appointment this morning and found out the latest. They really don't know what is wrong with him. He vomited a little overnight, and he's still won't eat anything. They had to splint his leg because he was fighting with the IV. I know he's just so unhappy there. The plan is for me to call the vet back at 4:00 and if Salvador has not taken a turn for the worst then I get to go pick him up. Now that he's hydrated he might do better at home. So, I'm going to try to get him eating again here, but if he doesn't show any improvement then I'll have to bring him back to the vet. They're going to leave his IV catheter in so that if I have to bring him back they won't have to redo it. (He's not fond of the catheter so they have to sedate him every time they put one in.) We're also going to start him on Cyproheptadine which is an antihistamine that stimulates appetite in some cats. We gave him that when he was so sick last time, and it seemed to help.

I really hope he starts feeling better soon. I'm so worried that he hasn't shown any signs of improvement yet. My poor kitty cat. Hopefully tomorrow's post will be entitled "Good news and More Good News." We'll see.

Nearing the End of My Rope

2004-11-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

I spoke to the vet this morning about Salvador. After looking at his xrays last night it appears that he was very constipated. They gave him an enema and hooked him up to an IV. They also gave him a stool softener this morning. His bloodwork came back normal except that his liver enzymes were slightly elevated. He threw up again a little overnight, but the vomiting has decreased in frequency. He's still refusing to eat, so that's not good.

I went and visited him around lunch time. He was not a happy camper in the least. He hates being in a cage, and the IV was driving him crazy. I feel so badly for him, and it killed me to have to leave there without him once again. There's no real way to know if the constipation is solely responsible for his current state, so the plan is to keep him on the IV today and overnight tonight and see how he's doing in the morning.

I have my baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning, and you know what? I couldn't care less. I'm so not into this cycle. I told my husband last night after I picked him up from work in the middle of the night (oh, the joys of not being able to buy a second car thanks to IVF) that I was almost done. I know it's not the only thing that's stressing me out right now, but this IVF crap is just wearing me out. My husband asked if I wanted to quit now and not do the FET. My response was that I do want to go ahead and finish this FET but that I really don't know about anything past that. So, who knows what will happen if this FET fails. I just feel like I'm nearing the end of my rope.

I just keep telling myself that if I can just make it through this week that things will be ok. If I can make it through the next two weeks, things should be a lot better. I'm so looking forward to the end of my husband's arbitration, and I'm also looking forward to making it through the rest of this damn FET. I'm also hoping that my sweet little furbaby will be home in a few days. I'll feel a lot better if I can just get him home.

It's really tough that all of this is happening at the same time. I really don't feel well equipped to handle it right now. I just hope I don't run out of rope before all of this is resolved.

I Can't Stop Crying

2004-11-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

Salvador isn't doing any better. He threw up bright yellow goop at 2:30, again at 3:45, and once again at 4:30. Shortly after 4:30 I called the vet. We discussed all of the options and decided that since apparently none of the medicines that he was given this morning were helping the best thing to do would be to admit Salvador to the kitty hospital. I was in tears before I even put him in the car to drive him back to the vet. By the time I was back in the car driving home without him I was bawling. Now my Lupron headache is magnified many times over.

The plan was to take an xray to make sure there's no foreign objects in there, do some bloodwork, and start him on an IV. I got a call from the vet a little while after I had gotten back home. Salvador was putting up a fuss for the xray and the vet knew it would continue for the insertion of the IV, so I was asked permission for them to sedate him for these two procedures. This is no surprise. He had to be sedated when he got his IV the last time around, too. So, they're going to do all of that, and the vet will call me back tomorrow morning to let me know the results of the xray and bloodwork and to update me on how he did overnight.

It breaks my heart in little pieces to have to leave him there. I know that he's not going to get better just sitting around here, but I miss him so much. It makes me sad to think how alone and scared he must feel. I just hope they can find a way to make him feel better. I can't lose him. I just can't.

I talked to my husband after I got home from dropping Salvador off. I made a comment about how they better not charge me another $50 office visit fee since I had already paid that once today and another comment about how this will probably end up costing at least $1,000. My husband replied that it did not matter what they charged us as long as Salvador gets better. I love that man so much. We both worry about money in a lot of areas. It's pretty natural given the amount of money we've forked out for all this IVF crap, but this is one area where money is not an issue. We just want our kitty home and healthy.

Oh, and I don't know if it's stress or what, but my period which was long gone decided to make a reappearance. I went to the bathroom after I got back from dropping off Salvador and bam, there it was again. Of course I was wearing some pretty, non-period underwear. Oh, the fun never ends around here.

Not Again

2004-11-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

One of my cats, Salvador, is sick. Very sick. He's being throwing up bile and refusing to eat or drink. These are the exact same symptoms he had last time. He got very sick back in July and ended up needing surgery. It was a very tough time, and I would really like to avoid a repeat of all of that. Here's how things played out last time: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7. All of his biopsies ended up coming back normal, and he recovered well.

I took him to the vet this morning, and she thinks he might be suffering from pancreatitis. The thing about pancreatitis is that there is no real cure. They just use supportive care to try to get the patient through the episode. They gave him a shot of an anti-nausea medicine, a shot of a steroid to reduce inflammation, and some subq fluids. I'm keeping an eye on him and have to bring him back to the vet's office tomorrow if he doesn't show any improvement in the next 24 hours.

I'm really worried about him, and I'm a little worried about me, too. I don't feel strong enough right now to be able to handle this on my own. My husband is still working 24/7 and will be until this arbitration is over (2 more weeks). It's hard to be strong when I'm feeling down, but I will try my best. I know I need to be there for my little furry man. He's my baby, and I'll find the strength somewhere. I just hope he starts feeling better soon. It breaks my heart to see him feeling so ill.

"Please Let It Work This Time"

2004-11-06T10:47:00.000-08:00

I have been repeating that phrase to myself for the past few days. Hell, I've even said it out loud a couple times. I don't know who I'm talking to. I know there's no IVF angel out there waiting to grant requests. Maybe it's just a way to get myself through this cycle.

I'm all about having a Plan B, but thinking about that backup plan is scaring the pants off of me. The thought of having to go through another fresh cycle is not appealing in the least. Having to fork out another $15K out of thin air, putting my body through pure hell again, and getting on that emotional roller coaster yet one more time is so overwhelming.

I don't want to have to do it all again. I just want this FET to work so badly, yet I know that there's a good chance it won't. This IVF crap is so hard. Too hard sometimes.

I think that thinking about Plan B while doped up on Lupron is a bad idea. This shit is kicking my ass. Let me list my side effects: night sweats that leave me completely drenched, never ending headaches that I have dubbed "perma-headache," feeling tired all the time, being SO moody, having such a fuzzy brain that I can no longer spell or think of the simplest words, being so cranky that I scare my cat, and I'm sure I've left off a couple. I've come to the conclusion that Lupron is nothing short of "evil in a bottle."

So, I guess I should just trust that we've thought through our choices for Plan B while I was a rational, non doped person and trust that the decision we made to pursue another fresh cycle should this FET fail is the right one. I know that there will also be time to rethink everything should I enter BFN hell again. I guess I just need to focus on making it through this round and worry about the rest when/if the time comes. Hell, just making it through the current round is tough enough.

I know that no matter how much I bitch and whine right now about how hard all of this is, I will do it all again if I have to. Why? Because I know that giving up would be infinitely harder.